Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur – Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

I just wanted to remind you of the campaign I proposed a short while ago, in case you had forgotten about it. I’m still keen to revive the so-called dead language and you may remember my outlining the distinct advantages (and some pitfalls, unfortunately) of resurrecting its universal usage.

One of the unfortunate advantages (at least from the standpoint of the drive for awareness) is that, on the assumption that he/she is not fluent (as you are) you can be quite rude to or dismissive of someone without them realising. In fact, because, as I have mentioned before, however banal, surreal or outlandish the statement, Quid quid latine dictum sit, altum videtur – Anything said in Latin sounds profound.

For example – oops, e.g. – Verveces tui similes pro ientaculo mihi appositi sunt – I have twits like you for breakfast; Tua mater tam antiquior ut linguam latine loquatur – Your mother is so old she speaks Latin; Sic friatur crustum dulce – That’s the way the cookie crumbles. Nowhere is it more demonstrable then in phrases such as Ubi est mea anaticula cumminosa? – Where is my rubber duck? Semper ubi sub ubi ubique – Always wear underwear everywhere; Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure – I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear; Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras! – I forgot to polish the clocks! Omnes lagani pistrinae gelate male sapiunt – All frozen pizzas taste lousy; In dentibus anticis frustrum magnum spiniciae habes – You have a large piece of spinach in your front teeth; Loqueris excrementum – You are talking shit.

I have considerable support for the renaissance advocated, in the person of the great Roman poet Publius Ovidius Naso (20 March 43 BC – AD 17/18) – Ovid to you – who once said: Rident stolidi verba latina – Fools laugh at the Latin language – and everyone, but everyone, always used to listen to him. And they still do – you only have to look at any public school curriculum (see? You can’t get away from it).

In my earlier treatise, I suggested that the dialogue in films could be considerably romanticised by speaking them in Latin; I have found a few more examples to bolster this contention: Ire fortiter quo nemo ante iit – To boldly go where no man has gone before; Te capiam, cunicule sceleste! – I’ll get you, you wascally wabbit!  Tu, rattus turpis! – You dirty rat! Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert – Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn; Luke sum ipse patrem te – Luke, I am your father; Revelare pecunia! – Show me the money! Pistrix! Pistrix! – Shark! Shark! (shouted in Jaws, surely?); Farrago fatigans! – Suffering succotash! Latro! fremo! – Woof woof! Grrrr! (Lassie).

You may remember that jokes relying on the vagaries of the English language don’t work (remember I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream?); well, neither do tongue twisters: Quantum silvam modio picus si posset picus silvam modio? – How much wood would a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker could peck wood? Pietro Fistulator lectis modii capsicum conditaneum, ubi modii capsicum conditaneum  quod lectis Petro Fistulator? – Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper, where’s the peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked?  Corio rubeus, corio flava, corio rubeus, corio flava… – Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather… Vendit concha mare in litum marum – She sells seashells on the seashore;  Vigilum publicorum Lethium nos dimitte – The Leith police dismisseth us. See? Almost ridiculously easy to enunciate, I think you’ll agree.

Well, there you are, keep practising the lingo (from the Latin lingua – tongue or language); It’s got a lot to answer for, hasn’t it?