Foreword

Many years ago, a friend showed me the excellent book by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd called The Meaning of Liff (there are also sequels called The Deeper Meaning of Liff and Afterliff). It was small enough to carry around in his pocket and, having read some of it whilst unsuccessfully stopping myself from guffawing out loud, I immediately went out and bought it.

If you really didn’t know (and shame on you if you didn’t), it is a dictionary containing words for common objects, actions, emotions and situations for which no word previously existed in the English language. The innovation lies in the fact that the words used are actually genuine place names and the authors felt that, rather than languish in atlases, on road maps and signposts, they should be put to much better use describing the inevitabilities of everyday life – sorry – liff.

The following, therefore, is my humble contribution to a great tradition started by the late great man. I am not sure where I stand with regard to issues of copyright and I imagine that many will regard the work as a form of plagiarism. Well, if plagiarism is paying tribute to the creator of an ingenious literary vehicle and then filling it with passengers of one’s own, then I’m guilty of it. Hopefully, many of my spurious historical accounts have succeeded in reflecting the abovementioned inevitabilities, but, unlike the Adams version, some of the definitions consist of contrived and imaginary histories suggested (to me, at least) by the name. History students, therefore, should not regard those accounts as authoritative.

Most of the place names are in the British Isles and, as far as I can ascertain, none of the place names I have included here appear in any of the real Liff  books. So…

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THE DICTIONARY

 

ABERCWMBOI – An invitation to attend sheepdog trials. Frankly, I hope they find them guilty and throw the book at them, chasing vulnerable defenceless sheep around like that. What? Oh…

ADLESTROP – The completely illogical point at which a commercial break occurs during a TV programme. This is often while someone who is saying something vital to the plot is in the middle of a sentence, and, when the commercials have finished, because of the disjointed nature of the return to the programme, you could be forgiven for thinking it has resumed several scenes later, and you never really know whether or not you have missed some important information. When the programme finishes, you realise that you had, because you don’t understand what’s happened, and you’ve stayed up until 2.30 a.m. to watch it to the end, despite the fact that you are intensely irritated by the permanent presence of the person signing for the deaf at the bottom of the screen. This seems to happen only in the early hours of the morning and that annoys you even more because it suggests that deaf people have to stay up all night to watch television.

AFFPUDDLE – A pool of standing water situated in the roadway about three or four feet from the kerb and which a speeding vehicle (quite often a bloody white van) drives through when you are immediately alongside it.

ALFRICK POUND – The true value of every single item in one of those omnipresent tat-filled retail outlets where you think you’re getting a bargain. In fact, you’re paying a quid for a piece of crap which probably cost the shop owner about a penny.

ARDENDRAIN – A turd so large that it is practically impossible to flush. I remember that, where I used to work, there was a mystery crapper who repeatedly left the toilet with one of these monsters in it; I went in one day and some wag had left a large note taped to the toilet seat saying: “DO NOT MOVE, AWAITING CONFIRMATION FROM THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS”.

ARDMORE POINT – Having moved your hand and arm away from your body – either upwards (often with the wrist forced into a somewhat painful downward angle) or sideways – when holding the TV/Sky+/DVD recorder/Blu-ray player remote control, this is the optimum hand position that needs to be established in order to make proper contact with the device of choice, the manoeuvre being necessitated by the position of the coffee table which stands exactly midway between your chair and all of the aforementioned devices.

ASH PRIORS – Those periods during which, as the result of the vile habit of keeping a burning cigarette in the mouth whilst talking, the ash at the end gets longer and longer until it drops into whatever happens to be under the smoker’s mouth at the time. This could be your drink, your trousers, or, in the case of the cook at my old place of work’s canteen, the ingredients for whatever was on the menu that day. People used to think it was a herb mixture.

ASHBOURNE – An ashover (q.v.) which deposits the ashtray’s contents into your pint.

ASHBOURNE GREEN – Occurs when the contents of the ashtray are mixed with the perpetrator’s mucus.

ASHOVER – Whilst sitting in a pub (now outside a pub since “seven-one”), the cloud of cigarette ends and choking dust expelled in your direction from an ashtray when someone sneezes in front of it.

ASKERTON – On a treasure hunt, a question that can only be answered by looking at something uniquely seen/found in the vicinity. Just a few words of advice: if you are organising a treasure hunt, these questions must be of a more sensibly permanent nature than “what colour/breed is the dog sitting outside number 45?” I know someone who included this clue once and, very early on in the contest, an unscrupulous participant put the dog in his car and let it out much further round the course. Another to avoid is “how many bedrooms in the hotel?”; again, a problem occurred on one occasion this was used, when the notice-board on the road frontage which displayed the number of bedrooms was demolished the day before the hunt. The hotel receptionist quickly got fed up with a succession of people coming in asking how many bedrooms there were and started telling everyone a different number, which led to violent confrontations at the results ceremony. (cf. DUNTON WAYLETTS)

ASPLEY GUISE – Snake costume. You need to hope a decent-looking woman goes to the same fancy dress party in a Cleopatra costume so you could act out her death by biting her on the bosom.

ASSLOSS – Eagerly wished for by the person who undergoes surgery to have a buttsash (q.v.) implanted.

B

BACKSIDE BURN – What you get if you engage in that singularly popular student pastime of lighting your farts. And it’d bloody well serve you right.

BAGPATH – The intense impatience and annoyance experienced by every member of the holiday party when your suitcase is the last to arrive on the luggage carousel at the airport.

BAG ENDERBY – The annoying tendency of a soft briefcase/holdall to tip over when put down in the only direction which will cause it to spill some or most of its contents, or fall heavily from where it has been placed (or at least fall flat so that the point of entry for further items is underneath), e.g. on the fourth stair up, the bed, or the seat of a chair. This is even more annoying when you know that the last time you packed it with exactly the same items, it tipped over in precisely the opposite direction.

BAGENDON – The intensely frustrating feature of zip fasteners on holdalls, shoulder bags and suitcases which, when you attempt to employ them, are always just too far away (and usually on the wrong side) to reach comfortably. And they need to be navigated to avoid corners, wheels, feet or handles (there are always the maximum number of such obstacles and handles are often held together with velcro), quite often leaving grazes and scratches on your hand, and/or broken zips.

BALCURVIE – A condition of the genital area also resulting from esprick (q.v.) but typified by a more rounded swelling of the testicles.

BANDRAKE HEAD – The thumping hangover that results from staying too late in the pub listening to live music.

BAPCHILD – A baker’s apprentice. In earlier days, baking was a very serious business – bread, after all, was a fundamental ingredient in the diet of the common people – and a good apprentice could earn a very good wage, particularly after the completion of a successful period of apprenticeship. In some cases, this could be rewarded with the provision of accommodation within a bunstead (q.v.)

BARLINGS – The drips that fall on your trousers from the bottom of a glass of extra cold lager when you pick it up. The normal cardboard type beer mats you find in most pubs are incapable of absorbing the condensation sufficiently to prevent this happening. When it does, though, a stuckton (q.v.) might almost be preferable.

BEACHAMPTON – A skin condition in men typified by a sore rash in the genital area, caused by constant visits to the seaside; cf. SANDY BALLS  (not really a valid entry in this dictionary as it is a holiday park near Fordingbridge, in Hampshire).

BEACHY HEAD – A condition very similar to BEACHAMPTON (q.v.), but afflicting a bodily extremity on a slightly higher level.

BEER HACKETT – This was the name given to anything that was used to open a Worthington Party Seven. It was invariably something like a screwdriver or chisel because no‑one ever had the right tool, especially not the sophisticated tap device that prevented beer from spraying up like a geyser all over the ceiling, furniture and guests when you did eventually make a hole in it.

BEWALDETH AND SNITTLEGARTH – The oldest and most widely respected (i.e. most expensive) firm of solicitors in the West Country.

BICKER GAUNTLET – From a custom dating back to the Middle Ages, this was thrown down during a trivial argument as a precursor to an even more inconsequential contest taking place early the next morning. The contest involved the small leather pouches which used to be attached to the wrist by draw-strings and contained small personal items. A lead weight was inserted into each and the person who threw his the furthest was the winner, after which the protagonists kissed and made up. The practice had all but disappeared by the end of the 8^th Century and had by then given rise to the term “handbags at dawn”.

BINCHESTER BLOCKS – The intensely annoying situations that arise regularly in a supermarket when there is someone standing in the way of the shelf containing the item(s) you need. Very often – and certainly on those occasions when you are in a hurry – the obstruction will be perpetuated while the protagonist picks up, examines minutely – and puts back – a seemingly endless selection of items before depositing one in the trolley, which will soon be left in the middle of an aisle next to a pillar so nothing can get past it. Eighty-five-year-old pensioner Mrs Jessie Binchester has much to answer for, and not only etymologically.

BLANDFORD FORUM – A conference, meeting or discussion group where the matters debated are trivial, frivolous or inconsequential, like the local W.I. jam and sponge circle (where items on the agenda are always trifling^†), or a House of Commons Committee.

^†See what I did there?

BLETCHLEY – Descriptive of any item of food that, when placed in the mouth, engenders feelings of extreme nausea, such as a Marmite sandwich, for example.

BLEDLOW – A blood blister occurring anywhere from the waist down. Why not just call it a blood blister, I hear you ask. Well, it’s quicker to say ‘bledlow’. Duh

BLUBBERHOUSES – Council estate in northern Alaska.

BRINKLEY – Descriptive of a manner in which someone appears to be about to do something, then doesn’t fulfil expectations. “I say, old chap, Frobisher has had rather a skinful and he’s looking a bit brinkley – d’you think he’s going to throw up all over Lady Worpleton? Oh, hang on, no, he only shot himself. That was a jolly close run thing, what, what?”

BOOBY DINGLE – The extremely satisfying consequence of an exotic dancer executing the well-known routine whereby each shoulder is alternately thrust forward and back very rapidly, causing the tassels attached to her nipples to rotate. The shoulder movements are not so rapid, however, that they are blurred when you play back the video clip on your mobile phone later in the privacy of your bedroom.

BOTTISHAM – The act of a man pretending to be gay to fend off the unwanted attentions of a woman in whom he is not in the least bit interested.

BRADFIELD COMBUST – That smouldering stage of a potential fire which results from the disposal of the contents of an ashtray into a rubbish bin without checking that the contents have been properly extinguished.

BREADSALL – The very last loaf left on the shelf in the baker’s and, although you’ve queued for a good 5 minutes, you know in your heart of hearts that the little old lady in front of you is going to buy it.

BRIMINGTON – The pool on the floor (or liquid stain on the carpet) caused when you carry an overfilled glass of beer to the table.

BUCKLERS HARD – A physical condition, named after a monk, Father Damien Buckler, a founder member of the Order of Filthy Habits, which was essential to enable a sixpenny handley (q.v.) to be successfully administered.

BULLINGHOPE – A cattle breeder’s fervent expectation that his prize pedigree Aberdeen Angus will stop winking at the other bulls, as opposed to a woolhope (q.v.), which is an entirely different kind of optimism. [See also COWPLAIN and HARDHORN].

BUMMERS HILL – A favourite place for men of a certain persuasion to get together. Another much sought after location would be a COCKING CAUSEWAY.

BUNSTEAD – A residential community specially set up for bakery workers. See BAPCHILD.

BURBAGE – An action necessary when you get an important job in a big city and reluctantly have to move from your cottage in the country.

BURSTWICK – This happens when the slit in the front of your boxer shorts is either too large or it hasn’t been properly buttoned up and your willy slips out, almost inevitably when in a crowded place where you are unable to rectify the situation, like, for instance, in a supermarket queue. [see NETHER HANDWICK]

BUTTSASH – As a gastric band is designed to promote weight loss by fooling the brain into thinking the stomach is full, this is a device inserted surgically to prevent your arse getting bigger.

C

CADGER PATH – The well-worn track in the landing carpet which marks the route regularly taken by the scrounging bastard in the flat opposite who is constantly knocking on your door to borrow sugar, milk etc.

CARLIN HOW – Vehicle maintenance manual

CHARLTON ALL SAINTS – This was the rallying chant of a group that was set up at about the same time as the wimborners (see GUSSAGE ALL SAINTS), which meant, basically, set them on fire. The group was disbanded after quite a short time, however, because, as matches hadn’t been invented, they had to rub pieces of wood rapidly along their victim’s body in an effort to ignite him and this was just too much like hard work. In any case, it didn’t really instil a lot of fear in those likely to receive the punishment as it was soon realised that the worst they were likely to suffer was a few splinters and possibly a little light bruising.

CHARNAGE – The utter devastation caused by an arsonist.

CLENCHWARTON – The supreme muscle control required whilst walking quickly to prevent you shitting your pants.

COCKAYNE HATLEY – Descriptive of the way in which the ingenuity of a plan or an idea to accomplish a specific purpose surpasses another which seeks to achieve the same purpose. “I say, Jonty, old bean, I think Crusty’s rather whizzo scheme to raise some cash by opening up Crussington Hall to the public is a dashed sight more cockayne hatley than old Winslow’s to put his mater on the game, what, what?”

COVENTRY – This scores 5 points in a witches’ rugby match.

COWPLAIN – A creature not likely to encourage a cattle breeder who harbours a desperate bullinghope (q.v.)

CRIDLING STUBBS – The (rapidly increasing) clump of till receipts and ATM slips that you have to keep in your wallet to enable you to keep track of the money in your bank account, using your own patent spreadsheet; unfortunately, after your employer changed your pay day from the 1^st to the 15^th of the month, it is never correct.

CROOKED WITHIES – A condition affecting the testicles of chariot drivers in ancient Rome which is consequent upon esprick (q.v.)

CROWDECOTE – The impenetrable crush of people in the village hall cloakroom at the end of a dance.

CUNNINGBURN – The despicable practice of gangs of youths who used to creep secretively around a neighbourhood on the night of November 4^th lighting people’s bonfires. Difficult to do these days, though, because the traditional concept of Bonfire Night seems to have been abandoned and bloody firework displays are held throughout the whole of November at all hours of the day and night. The yobs, therefore, are never really sure when it’s safe to carry out their vile operations.

CURBAR – An enforced manoeuvre whereby it is necessary to step out in front of oncoming traffic to go round a vehicle parked half on the pavement and half on the road, which has left a gap on the footway impossible to negotiate your way through. I have a series of postcards suitably inscribed which cover a number of similar obstructive situations and I just leave one under one of the offending vehicle’s windscreen wipers. They say “Thank you for [blocking the pavement to vulnerable highway users, e.g. mothers with prams/pushchairs, wheelchairs] [taking up two parking spaces] [parking ridiculously close behind/in front of me], you inconsiderate bastard” [delete as appropriate]. Whilst these are unlikely to prove efficacious in the rehabilitation/re-education of errant motorists, their use gives me a warm feeling. Especially if I hide in the bushes and wait until the vechicle owner comes back.

CURRY RIVEL – An Indian restaurant that opens up in competition with the one opposite.

D

DINMORE – The inevitable consequence of asking someone (generally your son) to turn down their hi-fi.

DINNINGTON – The bell sounded in a school to signal lunchtime.

DULOE – The mixture of mucus and saliva that results from a violent and unexpected sneeze. If you are indoors, this will probably be deposited on the palm of your hand. If you are out in the open where covering your mouth and nose with your hand is not quite so critical in such a situation, swift engagement of a handkerchief is still advisable as the viscous residue will end up dripping down the lower part of your face and, if particularly violent, the bottoms of your trousers and shoes.

DUMPTON – An item appearing on a different supermarket shelf from that where it was originally displayed; all that has happened here is that a shopper has decided that he/she didn’t want the double cream after all and has left it on the shelf with the tubs of lard (or anything else, obviously), simply because it would obviously be far too inconvenient for the lazy bastard to go back one aisle and put it in the right place.

DUNGENESS – The condition of any substance based upon its comparison with the consistency of shit.

DUNKERTON – A device shaped like a shallow inverted cone, which fits over an empty cup; when your cup of tea is poured through the device, it filters the remains of the digestive biscuits that you dipped (and dropped) into the tea, thus enabling you to drink an uncontaminated beverage from the new cup. See DUNKIRK.

DUNKIRK – The annoyance caused when the digestive biscuit you dip into your cup of tea disintegrates.

DUNSTABLE – A plain-clothes policeman.

DUNTISBOURNE LEER – A facial expression, originating in the Cotswolds, which is commonly seen when a waitress wearing a low-cut top has to bend low to deliver drinks or dishes to a table in a pub or restaurant. It is an action characterised by its blatant openness as there is no attempt to execute either a flitton (q.v.) or a flitwick (q.v.)

DUNTON WAYLETTS – A series of notes left round a treasure hunt route which contain clues to the next location; not to be confused with an askerton (q.v.)

DURDAR – A meaningless made-up word inserted into a song – usually the chorus – whose only purpose is to make the song scan properly, as in “The Camptown ladies sing this song – durdar, durdar…” If that’s all they can sing, I’m surprised the Camptown gentlemen have anything to do with them. Although…… Camptown…… hmmm.

E

ECCHINSWELL – A large unsightly distended bruise caused by an over wallop (q.v.)

ESPRICK – A medical condition common in Roman Britain affecting the penis of chariot drivers. Part of the safety harness worn involved a system of tight straps the deployment of which resulted in that organ being subjected to powerful and opposing forces. When sharp bends of the race-track were negotiated, constant pressure on the penis resulted in it becoming permanently double-curve shaped. Later, the parts of the track giving rise to this condition came to be known as “S-bends”. See crooked withies (q.v.)

F

FANGFOSS – What Count Dracula used to clean his teeth after a meal, although, judging by the bloodstains on his gums, chin and the front of his waistcoat, he wasn’t too particular about dental hygiene.

FERNILEE – The fragment of limescale from the kettle that floats on the surface of your tea or coffee. You can’t avoid drinking it and, afterwards, no matter how much you rinse your mouth out, it won’t go away. For some strange reason, while you’re trying to scrape it off your tongue with your fingers and someone asks you what you’re doing, you have to answer them while you’re doing it so you sound like a gibbering twat.

FITLING – The dodgy tailor’s practice of gripping the jacket and pulling it away from the customer’s back (out of sight) so that he will not realise the tailor’s original measuring was crap and still buy the suit.

FLITTON – The ill-concealed not-quite-quick-enough diversionary movement of the head and/or eyes to try and convince the young woman opposite you on the bus/train that you were not staring at her cleavage or up her skirt.

FLITWICK – The overemphasised pretence of fixing your attention upon another object, e.g. a timetable or advertisement poster, having just executed a flitton (q.v.).

FURZELEY CORNER – A cluster of little cubleys (q.v.)

G

GEMBLING – What a woman breaks out in an uncontrollable fit of when she sees the size of the diamonds in the engagement ring presented to her by her fiancé. “I couldn’t stop gembling when I saw how big his jewels were!”

GOODWORTH CLATFORD – Someone employed to engineer a noisy diversion in order to divert attention from the commission of a crime. During the lawless times often referred to elsewhere in this work, regularly updated records of the providers of various expert services were maintained by unscrupulous entrepreneurs and one simply had to invite offers from those listed and then select the most reasonably suited (and, of course, priced) for the job in hand. This recruitment process was similar to that undertaken in local government in modern times but, surprisingly, a lot less corrupt.

GREENWICH – A word now used generically to describe any place which you have thoroughly enjoyed visiting (from “I had a mean time at Greenwich”)

GUERNSEY – A permanently distorted facial expression; in my dear old Gran’s philosophy, this is most likely to have been caused by the wind blowing whilst effecting it.

GUSSAGE ALL SAINTS – Gussaging was something unspeakably messy done to a fish prior to its being cooked and, in fact, was a popular torture inflicted upon heretics during the Spanish Inquisition. In such times of tremendous religious intolerance, violent gangs used to march about shouting “gussage all saints!” and if they found one, they did.

Sometimes, individuals were victimised and the mob would go on the rampage, chanting things like GUSSAGE ST MICHAEL. However, even when in such moods, they would not be too bothered if St Michael wasn’t around, as long as they were able to gussage some other poor sod. In a strange way, though, this indicated a degree of tolerance and, over the years, a breakaway faction was formed which considered this apathy to be a weakening of purpose and they began to specialise in wimborning, the word WIMBORNE having derived from the last words of the first known victim, St Giles: “Wish I’m born”, (as opposed to dead, which state was brought on by repeated blows with stale loaves of bread filled with lead). Ever since then, the group went around chanting WIMBORNE ST GILES, whoever they intended to do it to.

H

HAMSTEAD MARSHALL – A steward at a pig race.

HANGERSLEY – A man in a pub who, if you say ‘good morning’ to him or utter some other innocent platitude or smile or even just look at him, will latch on to you and become impossible to get rid of. He is usually an ex-member of one or other branch of the armed forces and will bang on interminably about what he did during the war, often going into unnecessary detail about bowel movements, groin sores, and seeing other people’s intestines hanging out. While he is talking, you just let your mind drift away, nod (rather like the TV reporter who they film doing that separately to add in later), tut and laugh at intervals and hope to God he doesn’t ask you a question about what he’s just spent 45 minutes telling you. You also nurse the fervent hope that you haven’t laughed at an inappropriate moment, like, for example, when he mentioned the time the Gestapo sawed off his grandmother’s right foot to force her to give them the recipe for her potato layer pie.

HARDHORN – An encouraging sign for our long-suffering cattle breeder (See BULLINGHOPE), as long as there is a cow in the immediate vicinity, of course.

HASTINGS – As opposed to ‘hustings’, which is the name given to the campaigning period in the run-up to an election, these are the last minute flurries of voters who, having gone to the wrong polling station because they lost their poll card, are hurrying to get to the right one before it closes.

HAWKLEY – Descriptive of an uneven rattling tone of voice usually denoting that the speaker is a heavy smoker, or just about to spit.

HUNGARTON – This results from your shirt sleeve, belt loop or trouser pocket hooking over the door handle as you try and squeeze through a doorway carrying several large objects, causing you to drop one or more of the objects or ripping the item of clothing concerned, or both. In my household, this is an event that occurs with irritating regularity and – inevitably –  involves me.

HUSBORNE CRAWLEY – A nasty biting insect, related to the Blandford Fly; it can’t actually fly but occasionally travels by car or bus to Blandford to visit members of its family.

J

JACK’S BUSH – Pubic dandruff.

K

KIRK SANDALL – An item of footwear specially designed for priests which enabled them to move around a church without making a noise. Previously, they wore wooden clogs and the congregations could hardly hear themselves snore.

KIRTLING – Surreptitiously trying to pull your underwear out of your bum crack. No matter how secretive you endeavour to be, though, at least one person will always spot you doing it. And then tell their mate.

L

LICKISTO – The circular plastic device containing a wet sponge that staff in a bank use to lubricate their fingers to facilitate counting banknotes, or that Post Office staff used to use to hygienically moisten postage stamps.

LIMPLEY STOKE – To carry out a very slow, lazy thrusting movement with a poker whereby a fire that’s burning perfectly well is just gently disturbed. It is really an unnecessary action and quite commonly carried out subconsciously as an aid to mental relaxation or meditation.

LIPHOOK – A contortion of the mouth which usually accompanies the act of swaythling (q.v.)

LISS – A somewhat delicate condition of the digestive system which requires the male to sit on the toilet to pass water – or wind, just in case.

LITTLE CUBLEY – A single pubic hair that pokes out as a result of inadequate shaving of the bikini line; see FURZELEY CORNER.

LOCKERBIE – A pub landlord who is not averse to hosting the odd ‘after-hours’ session.

LOWER DAGGONS – Those annoying drips of water that it seems impossible to prevent running down your arm and on to the bathroom floor while wet-shaving. You always step in them when you are not wearing shoes or slippers.

LULLINGTON – Anything which makes you feel comfortable, relaxed, and at peace with the world, like sitting in front of a log fire while a storm rages outside, perhaps, or watching Manchester United lose at Old Trafford.

LUMBURN – The irritating flap of skin on the roof of the mouth that results from stuffing food that is too hot into your mouth. Flapping movements of the hand in front of the open mouth emitting desperate blowing noises do not alleviate the problem. It can only be dislodged by using the tongue, then finger and thumb. After doing this, do not, under any circumstances, eat a sherbet lemon, at least not for a couple of days.

LYDIATE ASH – The unextinguished contents of the ashtray that cause a bradfield combust (q.v.).

M

MAMBLE – A kind of strutting gait which is almost like a dance, reminiscent of that executed by John Travolta whilst walking down the street in “Saturday Night Fever”.

MARGARETTING – “Margaretting around” has precisely the same meaning as the phrase “fannying around” but it is much more acceptable in mixed company.

MIDDLE  WALLOP – This was less popular than the nether wallop (q.v.) which required more brute force and which only resulted in temporary incapacity, although it provided the perpetrator the opportunity to follow up with something more deadly.

MOBBERLEY – The way an unruly crowd of people tries to make a point.

MOCKBEGGAR – A mockbeggar used to be a derogatory taunt directed specifically at a peasant or some other unsavoury low‑life who accosted you in the street and tried to solicit money or sell you something you did not want, e.g. “Thou foul noisome varlet; seek remunerative employment somewhere or return to the midden whence ye came – oh, and by the by, take yon mangy wolf‑hound with thee!” It was then customary for your companion to compliment you by saying something like “Sooth! Thy mockbeggar was most wicked!” The mockbeggar has evolved to cover all kinds of situations and now encompasses such remarks as “Sod off, mate! You must be blind if you can’t see the fluorescent yellow notice stuck on the door saying I don’t buy stuff from doorstep callers and the fact that I’ve already got double glazing.”

MOGGERHANGER – The bogey that, no matter how much you try and scrape it off or how hard you flick it with a finger of your other hand, either refuses to budge or simply shifts to another part of the finger it’s stuck to, or sticks to the finger you tried to flick it off with.

MONKTON UP WIMBORNE – It is probably best to draw a veil (or, perhaps, a cassock) over this vile practice which was quite common in the late 500s, some time after the wimborners ceased carrying out their bigoted attacks. The main piece of equipment required, however (and the reason for inclusion of the “wimborne” part of the name), was still a stale loaf of bread stuffed with lead, although the main difference was that it had to have been baked in a thinnish cylindrical shape, rather like the modern baguette. The practice was, thankfully, confined to groups of monks belonging to the Order of Filthy Habits and its popularity slowly waned, disappearing by the end of the 6^th Century. Bored with the solitude which was an essential requisite, the monks wished to share some of their dubious “habits” with the population at large and they began to travel round the towns and villages giving the menfolk what became known as a sixpenny handley (q.v.). Sixpence was a great deal of money in those days, though, and the monks’ customers soon began to subscribe to the increasingly more varied (and much cheaper) services of the local strumpets. Sixpenny handleys were still known by this name but the cost of them, as for many other facilities, had been much reduced. The fee levied for full sex was, for example, a penny‑farthing, hence the phrase (originally quite complimentary) “she’s the village bike”, although this did not obviously come into general derogatory usage until much later. Interestingly, there are other practices which were given names that have since proved derivational – a very popular one at the time based upon its price was a “deep groat”. When interest in the monks’ services began to wane, their urges unfortunately didn’t and the local nunneries came in for some rough treatment; ABBESS RODING was one of the more popular pursuits but, because of its particular level of deviancy, it does not warrant further explanation.

N

NAFFERTON – An utterly groundless piece of inexpert advice usually given by a bloke in the pub. This can encompass any number of technical and scientific matters but is most commonly associated with medical conditions. Having been appraised of the one from which you are suffering, you will find that he has been afflicted by the same condition in the past or knows someone who has. The advice is always the opposite of that which the doctors have given you, the latter being always laughingly scorned as the ramblings of imbeciles.

NATELY SCURES – Very hasty notes that you previously made in the margin of a text book which, annoyingly, are so illegible you cannot even read them yourself.

NETHER HANDWICK – A furtive attempt in a public place to relieve the annoying itch in, under or around your testicles, or to replace your willy inside your boxers through the slit in which it has popped out, usually unsuccessful as you are inevitably spotted doing it by either an attractive young woman or a 5-year-old boy who insists on pointing at the front of your trousers whilst loudly interrogating his mother.

NETHER HAUGH – A silent fart. (see also UPPER HAUGH)

NETHER  WALLOP – As already mentioned elsewhere, crime of one sort or another abounded in the Middle Ages, particularly the kind whereby bodily harm was inflicted upon people for a variety of reasons. One of the favourite disabling manoeuvres was the nether wallop which, as the name suggests, would render a (male) victim completely helpless for some time.

NORCHARD – A small infertile area of land on which it is impossible to grow fruit trees.

O

OVER WALLOP – This is the result of misjudging the power of the blow actually administered (see MIDDLE WALLOP and NETHER WALLOP).

OVING – Acting like an egg; the word very quickly went out of common usage after the death of Humpty Dumpty. Yes, he really existed!

OVINGTON – A person who is actually shaped like an egg.

P

PANCRASWEEK – This has rapidly become the generic term for a period of rejoicing to commemorate a remarkable achievement, in recognition of the only thing the British have been successful at apart from winning both World Wars, i.e the opening of the new Channel Tunnel link on time.

PANGBOURNE – A mental flashback which enables you to remember events in your life that you wouldn’t normally be expected to, like being asleep in your pram as a baby, or your stag night.

PANTYGOG – The thrill of catching a glimpse of a TV presenter’s knickers when she crosses her legs. It is, of course, more exciting these days because you can make sure you don’t miss such incidents by pausing or recording live TV and replaying it. Apparently.

PENPILLICK – That annoying blob of ink on the end of a biro that you always forget to blot with a tissue before using it and which always leaks on to the paper when you’ve almost finished writing a particularly long essay.

PRESTON PLUCKNETT – A device originally brought into use in the early days of the Preston “Guilds” (infrequently held in that Lancashire town) which consisted of a very large string bag made of thin strong cord into which feathers from freshly killed ducks and chickens were stuffed. The cord was closely woven to prevent the contents from spilling out and, when it was full, it was covered in a cotton sack, sewn up, given a “TOG” rating and used as a bed cover. TOG stands for ‘Tested On Gabriel’, the name adopted in honour of Gabriel Du Vey, a textiles expert who developed a system of certification for this type of bed cover. The test procedure involved him being wrapped inside one wearing only a pair of thin bedsocks and locked in a refrigerated meat cupboard. He would then give a numerical rating based upon the number of his extremities which, after a fixed period of time, had not gone cold. In honour of his work, the bed covers were named after him, and, for years, many people slept with a soft warm gabriel on top of them. The covers are, of course, now known as duvets but the origin of this word is shrouded in mystery.

PRICKWILLOW – Title of a song in the porn film version of Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado, which is called The Dickado.

R

RADWINTER – A spell of extremely cold weather which necessitates keeping the central heating on all night.

RESTRONQUET BARTON – Dick Barton’s older and much smarter brother, although his theme tune is nowhere near as catchy.

RINGMER – A small piece of soft thick velvet that is tied on to the clapper of a church bell during strong winds so that no disturbance is caused to local residents.

S

SHEPTON MALLETT – “Shepton” is derived from “Sheeptown” in North Wales where, in the late 8^th Century, this special tool was developed for the purpose of hammering small nails through a sheep’s back feet to fix them firmly to the ground. It is unclear as to the reason for doing this, although a popular theory is that it made counting them much easier. It is also a widely-held view that, contrary to popular belief, dogs were not the first creatures to worry sheep.

SHILLINGSTONE – In essence, an early beauty treatment. In the early 600s, in an effort to improve the general public’s moral attitudes, believing that a healthy body led to a healthy mind, local clergy introduced what must have been the first health farms by setting up institutions around the district and encouraging people to attend them regularly. All they had to do was pay a total of one shilling (in instalments) for a course of 6 months’ special body‑toning. The shilling’s-tone (later contracted to shillingstone), as it came to be called, rapidly fell into disfavour, however, and most people soon went back to being fat, lazy and flatulent. This condition achieved significant popularity, continuing, as it has done, to the present time.

SHINGAY CUM WENDY – A scene from Peter Pan which is only included in the adult version of the classic story.

SHITLINGTON CRAGS – Those small hard lumps adhering to the hairs in your bumhole that result from constant inadequate wiping (you are absolved from a certain amount of blame for this if you have considerable back pain and can’t bend down to perform the sufficient bodily contortions vital to the process*) and are almost impossible to remove without employing that excruciatingly painful gripping and stripping process through the toilet paper, which always excises more hairs than are probably necessary. It may be my imagination, but I think you can actually hear the hairs tearing.

*The excuse probably also works to explain the infrequency of showering or bathing, which could substantially alleviate the problem, if not eradicate it altogether

SINFIN – A confession to your priest that you have lied to everyone about the size of a fish you caught.

SIXPENNY HANDLEY – A kind of sexual “personal service” carried out in the 6^th century. See MONKTON UP WIMBORNE.

SOCKBURN – The consequence of sliding or shuffling across nylon carpet tiles without shoes on. We used to do it deliberately to build up a charge of static electricity in the body, then touch the cat and watch him leap in the air. I did it once and touched the metal trim on top of a desk in the office where I worked; the consequent jolt rippled powerfully up my arm and through my shoulder, quite possibly just stopping short of my heart. That was quite enough to prevent me from doing it again.

STAIRFOOT – Where every good Yorkshireman exclaims he will go upon hearing something really, really surprising.

STEVEN’S CROUCH – The rather precarious posture it is necessary to adopt when you are carrying several heavy and/or unevenly shaped objects and you need to take your keys out of your pocket, unlock the boot of the car and put the objects in. It usually involves lifting one or other leg off the ground and dropping one or more of the objects.

STOTFOLD – This results from the failure of an attempt to fold along a pre-specified or pre‑drawn line on a piece of paper or envelope where you end up with a really annoying and unprofessional-looking series of bulges and/or creases.

STRATFORD TONY – William Shakespeare’s bookie. Although there was no horse racing in those days, a number of opportunities existed for a bookmaker to rake in hard‑earned readies from the local populace. There was so much villainy around, it would be more accurate to label these readies hard-pinched or, so far as the landed gentry were concerned, hard‑extorted. Murder and mayhem seemed to be the order of the day and life was generally terribly unhygienic and pretty unbearable. Everyone was so despicable to everyone else, it was almost worth being beaten to death to be free of it. The longer someone bet they could go without being mugged, strangled or disembowelled, the better the odds Tony would offer. Mind you, nobody ever collected any winnings from him since they were always killed before expiry of the period they had bet on (probably by someone Tony had hired). It is believed that Shakespeare regularly placed bets with Tony and the most common were, for example, that someone would understand one of his plays or that everyone would stay awake during a performance of King Lear. He never won a groat.

STUCKTON – A beer mat that stays on the bottom of your glass when you pick it up, but then drops off, causing you to lurch forward involuntarily and spill your drink.

SWAYTHLING – The act of gently stroking the facial and adjacent areas whilst pondering. It usually commences on the chin with the thumb on one side and one or more fingers on the other, and is almost always accompanied by a liphook (q.v.)

T

TATTENHOE – A garden implement used in the Middle Ages to harvest one’s potato crop.

THREE MILE CROSS – The sullen demeanour of someone who has just been taken on a long country ramble against their will.

TITABOUTIE – The unintentional and embarrassing consequence of a woman trying to change into a one-piece bathing costume under cover of a beach towel, and, upon dropping the towel, reveals that she has mistakenly put it on back to front. I have actually witnessed this wardrobe malfunction at a campsite in France whilst sitting by the swimming pool with a friend. It was a common practice of ours to give names to such incidents in case they warranted their own niche in my subsequent written ramblings: we called this The Incident Of The Back-To-Front Woman. Unfortunately, I had left my camera in the tent.

TREGATTA – A series of races involving three boats.

TROLLILOES – The wheels on certain supermarket trolleys which prevent them from going in a straight line. Every supermarket has several of these available and I inevitably end up with one.

A propos of not very much, but whilst vaguely on the subject, I like the fact that the  French word for a supermarket trolley is chariot. For me, this conjures up the image of a customer driving one furiously (like Jehu, the son of Nimshi, in the Second Book of Kings) drawn by two magnificent white steeds, wielding a long whip (the driver not the horses). In the centre of each of the wheels there would be a razor-sharp scimitar-like blade fixed at right angles. I’d like to ride one through Sainsbury’s on a Friday night – that’d stop all the bastards who are persistently responsible for executing binchester blocks (q.v.).

TWYN Y SHERIFF – Welsh for “my brother is the chief of police”.

TYTTENHANGER – An Old Germanic name for what we now call a brassière (or, more commonly, bra). Well, FFS, what did you expect? Even you lesser mortals could have made that one up. 

U

ULCEBY SKITTER – You know when you’re nodding off (whether you’re sitting in your chair in front of the fire, in bed, or sat in the House of Lords) and, in that spell immediately prior to actual sleep, you are inexplicably jolted completely awake with a violent body spasm? That’s an ulceby skitter, that is.

UPPER DORMINGTON – The ancient constitutional right that allows Members of the House of Lords to fall asleep at any time of the day or night whilst in attendance at that noble institution.

UPPER HAUGH – A suppressed belch, sounding more like a sharp low hiss.

W

WANTAGE – A shopping list.

WASH COMMON – A place where the women of the village used to congregate to do their week’s laundry. In the old days, it was on rocks by the side of a river, now it’s a launderette. Whilst the former practice encouraged a lot more friendly human interaction, the latter provides considerably more privacy when going to the toilet.

WENDOVER – This simply means to move in a forward direction whilst almost bent double; it might sound awkward but I can accomplish it very easily and on a regular basis when I put my back out.

WHALLEY RANGE – The IQ scale between 0 and 70.

WHISTON – Something halfway between exhaling just air and a full-blown whistle. It is sometimes known as “musical breath” and is mostly practised by people who have, for example, just received some particularly good news or who are looking forward to a joyous event or, if you can believe it in this day and age, are just happy. The lips can be pursed or in a straight line with the mouth open slightly so you look like a ventriloquist. The sounds emitted by a series of whistons are almost always unrecognisable as an actual tune.

WHITLEY – The description applied to the end of a stick that has been roughly sharpened with a knife.

WIGTWIZZLE – Where the Wiggly-Woggly folk live in the famous children’s story “The Wiggly-Woggly Folk of Wigtwizzle”. Where do they find these bloody idiotic names?

WIMBISH GREEN – Not, as you might have thought, a particular shade of green, but descriptive of a paint colour that you saw somewhere, thinking at the time how lovely it was, but you can’t remember where you saw it and it is absolutely impossible to describe to the assistant in B & Q where you are trying to get it mixed.

WOOLHAMPTON – A willy warmer.

WOOLHOPE – Apparently, a common emotion amongst Welsh shepherds which, following the use of a shepton mallett (q.v.), brings a whole new slant to the term ‘animal husbandry’. (cf  BULLINGHOPE)