Some little while ago, I was temporarily laid low with a rather unpIeasant stomach bug and I wrote an imaginary conversation that I had with the likely suspects.

Me: “Look, this is about the tenth time today I’ve had to dash to the little boys’ room. And it’s all your fault.”

Lamb, Mint and Redcurrant Burger: “I’m sorry, it most certainly was not my fault; there is obviously some problem with your digestive system. We have to undergo the most rigorous Quality Control procedures following manufacture and then the ignominy of spot checks by Mr Waitrose and his bullies.”

Me: “I can assure you there is definitely nothing wrong with my system – I’ve got the constitution of an ox, and I hardly ever get stomach upsets.”

Lamb, Mint and Redcurrant Burger: “You cannot verify that to any acceptable standard of proof. I’ve only got your word for it.”

Me: “Well, if it wasn’t you, it was you! (points at Pork, Sage and Apple Burger accusingly). You actually tasted quite odd, now I come to think of it.”

Pork, Sage and Apple Burger: “Oi! Don’t try and blame me. As my colleague has explained to you, the processes to which we are subjected prevent harmful bacteria from being present among our ingredients to any substantive degree. And we are extremely conscientious about hygiene. We certainly don’t want Mr Waitrose and his trained thugs working us over.”

Me: “I don’t accept that; I haven’t eaten anything else all day, so what other conclusion can I draw?”

Pork, Sage and Apple Burger: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do about it. I would suggest you should look for the culprit a little closer to home. You’re just looking for a scapegoat.”

Me: “Scapegoat? No thankyoueversomuch, I think I’ve had enough meat for one day! I’m obviously wasting my time arguing with the two of you.”

I think I may have eaten something that disagreed with me.