I’m shamelessly blowing my own trumpet here, but there you go; I’m in control, after all. This is an article from the very first issue of the newsletter I used to produce for our local pub when we owned it. It concerned the barbecue on Comic Relief Night in 2001 run by Tony, one of our  fine regulars; his company supplied the burgers and hot dogs. The article was entitled “Tony’s Grill ‘n Griddle – a gourmet’s delight”.

It went as follows: “Tastes made in Heaven”, “I’m going to recommend it to all my friends”, “Why isn’t it in the Egon Ronay Guide?”, “How can you follow this without going to the Ritz or The Savoy?” These are just a few of the statements not one person could remember hearing on Comic Relief Night about the latest “in” eatery – Tony’s Grill ‘n Griddle at The Marquee In The Pub Back Garden (their staff will serve you right).

Tony and his assistants, Martin and Dave, were the purveyors of fodder to the starving masses. “You’d have to be starving”, confirmed one customer to me through the toilet door.

Tony’s revolutionary pre-cooked non-shrink burgers ensured at least that nobody would be poisoned. “We only had to make three replacements”, said Tony later. “Why was that if the burgers were pre-cooked?” I asked him. “Well, they didn’t like the fact the middles were still frozen”, he explained, “we didn’t have any complaints about the sausages”, he added proudly. Did he have any top tips for us? “Well”, he said, “don’t read between the lines; I’ve tried it and there is actually nothing there, oh, and be careful what you say and do, otherwise you’ll end up in the Newsletter!”

His remarks were prophetic; also somewhat ironic as tales from his own chaotic and confusing life proliferated in the cleverly named “Times At The Bar”.