I’ll apologise in advance (that’s not one, by the way).

A policeman and his daughter lost in an early round of “Pointless” two days running; he was so inept, it seemed as if he’d wanted to fail. Looked like a cop-out to me.

My uncle dropped his hearing-aid over the side of a boat while he was on a trip to Luxor in Egypt – he went deaf on the Nile.

When Blackburn Rovers signed a player called Formica, I did wonder whether he might help them to the top of the table.

I once played golf with a bloke who used to move his ball to make his shot easier when it landed on rough or uneven ground. “Windsor Rules” he would say whilst doing it. Now I know what the term Preferred Lies means.

If I had a company in Marlow or Aylesbury that supplied wooden slatted storage frames, I’d call it Buckingham Pallets.

I said to a friend the other day that I liked that Dean Martin song The Answer To The Eel Question. What the hell is that, he asked. I’ll sing it, I said. “That’s a hard one, I feel, what’s the name of that eel? It’s a moray…”

Is ‘bee-hive’ a buzz-word?

What’s an Arab’s favourite crisp flavour? Sultan Vinegar

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

I was given 4 Es and LSD last night…it was an awful start to a game of Scrabble