The Limerick History page will go some way to explain my fascination and, perhaps it’s true to say, unhealthy, obsession with limericks. Although I had a small compositional part in the limericks on that page, all of those that follow on this one are mine in their entirety, with the most recent at the top.
Zoom limericks
During the Coronavirus lockdown, the use of the video calling utility, Zoom, has become extraordinarily popular and, following that trend, I use it with my family to take part in regular quizzes. When it’s my turn to host a quiz, I always preface the slide presentation with a limerick, much to everyone’s disgust. Here are the ones used so far.
Zoom Quiztime is back here again
And most rounds will be 1 to 10
Unless it goes wrong
And some are too long
Well, tough, put more ink in your pen
Questions and answers on Zoom
Are all I can hear in this room
The questions are easy
The answers quite sleazy
And the scores are the cause of much gloom
These Zooms are a bit of a lark
And you don’t have to drive here or park
Just loosen your tights
And turn on the lights
Or stay, like Croft Road, in the dark
I’d hate to be there, in your shoes
If you do a Zoom Quiz without booze
No need to get mard
When the questions are hard
If you answer them right you won’t lose
Welcome again to our Zoom,
Get comfy, there’s plenty of room;
So now that you’re here
Get your brain well in gear
And sweep all aside like a broom
Off the Scale
An ugly old fishwife called Pippa
Had a face that looked much like a kipper;
When standing akimbo
Her feet were in limbo
And the left one was just like a flipper
Donald, Duck! (Inevitable warning from a member of the US Secret Service)
Now, you see the big house that is White;
Well, there’s not that much colour in sight,
But there’s not long to wait,
And, resigned to its fate,
It’ll soon have a big orange shite
Fab Four (when you read the first line, make sure you place the emphasis on ‘Mark’ otherwise it won’t scan properly – some people who didn’t do this following its appearance here must be a little limerick-shy)
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John thought it viable
To each write a book in the Bible;
Someone said “they’re best sent
To the New Testament,
As the Old one is quite unreliable.”
A little doggerel
We have a new puppy called Sidney;
He likes eating pies (steak and kidney),
And blankets as well;
But what is that smell?
He farted emphatically, didn’ ‘e?
Leaving, well, a loan
Parting is – oh – such sweet sorrow,
Can’t believe I am going tomorrow.
My rail fare’s quite pricey,
So if I ask you nicely,
Have you got fifty quid I could borrow?
The Internet is US
“Howdy, Nigel Hurll!” says my WordPress.
This is just a big pile of bird mess;
The whole USA
Should be tidied away
’til the internet’s cleared of its turdness
Mal Content
Well, this isn’t going so well,
And the website’s beginning to smell;
WordPress seems unable
To format a table
Although I know HTML
Brush Strokes
Michelangelo did the ceiling of Sistine,
Tidied up and then left the site pristine,
But a lack of restraint
Made him use too much paint
And it dripped on a tourist called Christine
Maria Callous
Got a mortgage? Get the public to pay;
Join Parliament, have a few grand away;
Make a false application,
Screw over the nation:
Home free*, but say sorry, okay?
*see what I did there?
Shining Example
A Citroën C4 Picasso
Could improve with a coating of Brasso
Add a soupçon of lard
But don’t rub too hard
Or you may well end up in El Paso
Dyson With Death
Despite a side-stepping manoeuvre,
My auntie was killed by her hoover;
She was living in France
When the flex snagged her pants
Now her statue’s on show in the Louvre.
Never a cross word
“Prosper, like Homepride” *brackets 8*
For all cryptic crossword fans, wait!
No clue restitution,
You’ll want the solution,
It’s “flourish”, don’t it make you irate?
Football mad
‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ is a song
Which the scousers sing loudly and long;
When you walk through a storm,
Try and keep your head warm
But if I were you, I’d lose the thong.
In the Baker’s Arms
We stopped at the pie shop of Gregg
Near the end of our M40 leg;
A Yum-Yum for me
For a mere 80 pee
And a hot roll with sausage and egg.
Is your mother bored?
Does the universal serial bus stop here?
No, you’ll have a long, hard drive, I fear;
Since the weather’s quite fair,
I shall don some soft wear
And I might fill the boot up with beer.
Wet Wet Wet
I am thinking of building an ark;
Is it raining again *question mark*
Yes! The vessel will feature
Two each of each creature
But I’m drawing the line at a shark.
I believe…
It must be true, it’s in the Mail:
Apparently, King Kong could read Braille;
John, Paul, George and Ringo
All played Naked Bingo
And Lassie played rugby for Sale.
Holiday Plan B
Bindon Bottom, in Lulworth Cove, Dorset, has just been voted the best B & B in the world by Trip Advisor reviewers; this is not far from my neck of the woods, so…
B & B Bindon Bottom: world’s Best;
Brings a Bloomin’ Big Blush to my Breast;
Its Breakfasts just Beckon
Far as Beacons of Brecon;
Get ye thither, Trip Advisor’s Behest.
No end in sight
An artist named Christopher Wright
Was making up limericks one night;
The last words began
But they just wouldn’t scan
So the punch lines, they just didn’t quite…
(Pub newsletter September 2003 – Limerick Corner)
Sad farewell
A young man named Marcel Journeaux
To Australia’s decided to geaux;
With the chess club just founded,
Well, we were astounded,
It’s come as a terrible bleaux.
(Pub newsletter September 2003 – Limerick Corner)
A ballet good worker
There is a young barman called Joy
Who’s a really accomplished bright boy;
He can skip, run and jump
Serving beer from the pump
With a grace that is almost Bolshoi.
(Pub newsletter September 2003 – Limerick Corner)
A crying shame
A wedding – lots of champers and cheers,
But nothing is as it appears;
The first waltz in the nude
Can’t lighten the mood
When even the cake is in tiers.
Sounds familiar
What to wear at a magic-themed do?
A wandsie*, large pointy hat, too;
But witch should it be?
I can’t spell, d’you see?
Dunno, just use plenty of glue.
*see what I did there?
Alternative final line for Harry Potter aficionados:
Dunno, just use plenty of floo.
As any fuel kno
The PM says “Me? I love fracking,
Even though the surrounding land’s cracking;
It’ll give us cheap gas,
I don’t talk through my ass,
I’m amazed that it’s lacking in backing.”
Take the Michael….please
If you like watching football on TV, you will hopefully empathise with this.
Dear BT Sport, where you goin’?
Downhill, if that clown Michael Owen
Carries on spouting rot;
Unexciting or what?
Like an Accrington Stanley foul throw-in.
Coming of age
I was 65 early in January 2014 and I wrote this to celebrate that momentous event:
Let loose the dogs, shout “huzzah!” and cry “freedom!”,
(If you think of some more, I’ll concede ’em)
But stand back while I
Bleed the Treasury dry
And I savour my new OAP-dom.
Words on the Street 