Sometimes – in fact, as may be seen, quite frequently – the mouth (or pen or keyboard) does not accurately reflect the intentions of the utterer (or writer). On such occasions, the intent of the message to be conveyed is often obscured, though usually easily identifiable; in such cases this is apt to render it all the more amusing (in my humble opinion).

This is a collection of slips of the brain which are entirely genuine and have been taken from actual conversation or the written/printed word. Almost all the gaffes – verbal or written – have either been heard or seen by me. They are not arranged alphabetically, by subject matter, circumstance or on a sliding scale of stupidity (who’s to judge that?). You will find them in more or less the same order in which they were encountered, starting in about 1980.

A previous version of this work actually named individual blunderers (for which no excuse was offered at the time) and, in the context of the office, home and social environment (from which most of the items are gleaned), had reasonably successful though limited appeal. The yearning for global publication, however, demands a different approach.

In order to achieve a reasonable balance between anonymity for the perpetrator and the necessity for his or her total humiliation, the author has compromised by only using forenames: they’ll know who they are! He has also endeavoured to avoid the inclusion of his own faux pas – and failed dismally. Other perpetrators formed a pressure group and applied whatever it is that pressure groups apply (my thesaurus was hopelessly inept with this, outlandishly replying to the entry of pressure with such words as amperage and championship).

Where necessary (and, in some cases, this has proved essential), a brief explanation of the circumstances precedes the entry. There is also a kind of headline, the sort of thing you often see on the “Readers Writes” page of a local newspaper above each letter: “Last Issue Went Without a Hitch” it says atop a complaint from the bride and groom whose recent marriage went unreported. Sadly, these excruciating puns always amuse me and I don’t see why you should be spared them.

My heartfelt thanks (but not one iota of sympathy) go to all the unwitting contributors who have nobody but themselves to blame – remember in future, engage brain before mouth, pen, keyboard, etc!

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And so, the Balls…

During a discussion about the desirability of purchasing a VCR, at a time when, believe it or not, they were only just coming on the market.

Steve (a work colleague): “I’d rather have a video than a television.”

 

HOLY APPROPRIATE

Gina (about an office colleague whom she felt was rather less religious than he purported to be):  “His prayers aren’t worth the paper they’re written on.”

 

RUN DOWN

During a telephone conversation with Steve (not the Steve already mentioned) about the delay in the execution of a building contract, a man called Jack, who was Managing Director of the building company said:  “I’ll chase everyone up and get things immobilised.”

 

GOING THE WHOLE HOG

Rob was a Solicitor and one of his many (hated) responsibilities was to take eviction proceedings against gypsies when they turned up on land owned by his employers. On this particular occasion, after visiting a site with a Gypsy Liaison Officer to serve summonses, he said:

“They’re worse than animals – they’re pigs!”

 

COUNTER‑PRODUCTIVE?

Mark was a young graduate training as a barrister and working temporarily in a legal office. This is an extract from some Instructions to Counsel which he drafted:

“The points to consider can be divided into 3 categories:-

(a) …………………….

(b) …………………….

(c) ……………………..

(d) ……………………..”

 

MAKE YOUR MIND UP

Stephen (yet another!), speaking at a Committee about rules that needed to be drawn up concerning public access to information, said that they should be:

“………..certain but flexible……..”

 

FIRST OF THE FEW

Originally, it was intended that only verbal calamities would be included in this collection and, in asking colleagues to be vigilant for potential candidates, I said:

“Keep your eyes open for quotes.”

 

HOLE NUMBERS

The following is an extract of a conversation between Mark, a former colleague of mine, and myself, which took place on the putting green in the Lower Pleasure Gardens, Bournemouth:

Mark: “Hey! I’m nine over but it’s not double figures.”

Me: “Nine never usually is double figures!”

 

PRESUMABLY THE BOOT’S IN THEIR COURT

Mark (as above), heard to say during a telephone conversation with a colleague:

“The ball’s on the other foot.”

 

BUT YOU JUST DID

A Man at a Government Department when asked a question by me during a telephone conversation, replied:  “To be perfectly honest, I can’t give you a truthful answer.”

 

WELL, THE ON/OFF SWITCH GOES UP AND DOWN

Electric fans have not always been extensively used in the office and there was a time when the one I used was not whirring continuously. On one such occasion when I was operating it irregularly but frequently, Marie, a member of staff, said:

“That fan’s been going on and off like a yo-yo!”

 

ROYAL BULLETIN

A few years ago, several shots were fired near Princess Anne’s house and, having heard this news on the radio, Marie reported:

 

“They’ve sealed off Princess Anne’s house because they heard gunshot wounds.”

 

NO – JUST DETENTION IF YOU DON’T DO IT!

During one period of severe pressure, the possibility of every member of staff taking some work home was discussed because of the lack of time available in the office. Lisa asked:  “Do we get paid homework?”

 

IN CASE THE DESCRIPTION’S CONFUSING

Marie again, explaining to a member of the public on the telephone that a particular task is only undertaken annually:  “It’s a yearly process that’s done every year.”

 

TOUCH AND GO

Brenda, describing an extremely difficult and stubborn customer whom she had just spoken to on the telephone:  “I’ll avoid her with a barge‑pole”

 

THE DRINKS ARE ON US, HONESTLY

Brenda, rather cynically, after hearing that a drinks vending company were offering free samples from a mobile kiosk prior to installing a particular kind of drinks machine in the building :  “They won’t give you anything free for nothing.”

 

LET SLEEPING CLOTHES LIE?

Richard, when told by his mother to fold his pyjamas and put them away neatly:

“If I fold my pyjamas up, the creases won’t fit properly tonight.”

 

WELL, WHICH IS IT?

Brenda, confused by a record held in the office computer system:

“I know it’s right, but it’s all wrong.”

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

Audrey, similarly confused:  “There’s a lot of ticks that aren’t there.”

 

DREAM ON

Lisa, just making a throwaway remark, prompted by fatigue:  “I think I’ll have forty winks before I wake up again.”

 

JOB DISSATISFACTION

Kevin, referring to applicants for a senior managerial post, some of whom had indicated they were no longer interested in pursuing it, even though they had been selected for interview:

“They’re withdrawing like flies.”

 

HE LEFT HIS POST

The Post Office (or, at least, a senior manager there) was the culprit on this occasion, although it was a case of actions speaking louder than words. On the day in question, the office mail was extremely late arriving and someone rang to find out what had gone wrong. An apology was forthcoming, with the explanation that the mail was in the van waiting to be delivered. However, they had forgotten that the driver had been dismissed the day before.

 

20% COMMIT SUICIDE, PRESUMABLY

Extract from an essay written by my son Andrew, aged 14, about cruelty to animals:

“80% of [fairground] goldfish die through no fault of their own.”

 

WISE AFTER THE EVENT

Brenda, having added an item in error to the office computer database:  “As soon as I’d done it, I knew I’d done it.”

 

THANKS FOR JUST BEING THERE

Extract from a grateful client’s letter to a legal office:  “Thank you for your existence in this matter.”

 

KEEPING ON TOP OF THINGS

Extract from a letter from a prospective parliamentary candidate:

“……please send me domination and other paperwork by post.”

 

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

Lisa (after being told that a deaf and dumb person could not stand for election to Parliament):  “Well, what about that blind one, then?”

 

WHICH WORD, THOUGH?

Trevor Francis can often be relied upon to provide material for a work such as this (just read the “Colemanballs” series of books) and he said this during the commentary on a European Cup semi‑final between AC Milan and Monaco:

“It’s a top class performance in every sense of the word.”

 

SEE THE PREVIOUS HEADING

Ron Atkinson (during commentary on the 1994 World Cup match between Nigeria and Italy):  “The key word is extra man”

 

WELL-PROTECTED PLAYER

Barry Davies: (during his commentary on one of the 1994 World Cup first round matches involving Holland):  “It’s his first game in a Dutch cap.”

 

HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS

Extract from a letter to the office:  “…..however, I have completed the enclosed form which is enclosed.”

 

NO CLOTHES SENSE

Andy Gray (during the FA Cup 3rd round tie between Sheffield United and Manchester United):

“There are tired legs out there in red and white shirts.”

 

BLIND DATE

A Chief Superintendent (being interviewed on television about the disbanding of the Royal Military Mounted Police in Aldershot):

“It’ll be a sad sight the day you can’t see them any more.”

 

THAT’S NOT THE POINT

A member of a Committee: “We have hit the head on the nail.”

 

PRIVATE PARTS

Cathy (explaining that she thought it bad practice for her to attempt to provide certain technical information outside her field of expertise but within John’s, and vice versa):

“I don’t really want to bring John into my bits.”

 

COMEDY OF ERRORS

Terry Venables (in an interview after England’s 3-3 draw with Sweden at Elland Road in the Umbro Cup): “Everything we seemed to make a mistake on went wrong.”

 

WHEN WILL THEY SCORE NONE, THEN?

Trevor Francis (during commentary on West Ham v Chelsea on 11th September 1995):

“If West Ham don’t score, expect to see Lazaridis [the substitute] come on immediately.”

 

MISSION UNLIKELY

Ron Atkinson (during commentary on a Champions League match between Juventus and Rangers on the 18th October 1995, after Juventus’ third goal):

“What it does, Brian, is makes an impossible task even harder.”

 

SHOULDN’T IT BE IN THE GARAGE?

Harry (to Audrey on the telephone):

“I can see the car looking out of the window.”

 

TEMPORARILY PERMANENT

An informative note sent to the office by a good-natured member of the public:

“This flat is empty indefinitely – for the time being.”

 

SIZE MATTERS

Peter (about Mars Bars): “You can tell these are bigger, they’ve made them smaller.”

 

DAYS OF OUR LIVES

Extract from a conversation between me and Brian, about watching AFC Bournemouth play away:-

Me:  “One Wednesday evening, we even drove up to Nottingham to watch them play Notts County.”

Brian:  “What….during the week?”

 

THE BLACKPOOL WEEKEND

This foray to the North to show our friends the Blackpool Illuminations in late October 1996 was felt to be deserving enough to occupy its own small section of this modest work. Ray hails from the capital but has lived for many years in the same Hampshire town as me.

Proprietor of hotel, (greeting us in the car park upon our arrival):  “Where have you come from?”

Ray: “London.”

 

Daniel (aged 10):  “How much is it to get in the Pleasure Beach?”

Andrew:  “It’s free.”

Daniel:  “If you did have to pay, how much would it be?”

 

(The following is really only a pathetic attempt at humour and has been included following veiled threats from my wife)

Matthew:  “Are we taking the tram back to the hotel?”

Sheila:  “No, it won’t fit through the door.”

 

The hotel proprietress (at breakfast):  “Does anyone NOT want beans with their breakfast?”

Andrew (last out of four people to reply):  “Is it possible to have it without beans?”

---

 

NOTHING BETTER TO DO

Bob (an accountant, having been asked a tricky financial question):

“I’m at a bit of a loose end to explain that.”

 

A MIXED BAG, PRESUMABLY

A Middlesborough football fan (being interviewed outside the ground before their Premiership match with Manchester United):

“It’s never in the bag ‘til the fat lady sings.”

 

DARK SECRET?

Mark (a local footballer, arguing in the changing room about one of the opposing team’s players, who was coloured):

“He’s not a coon, he’s black.”

 

PROBABLY A BUSY DAY!

Printed on a Dillon’s (bookstore) £1 off voucher:

“This offer closes 24th December 1997 inclusive.”

 

WHAT ELSE WOULD THERE BE?

Mark (as above, after hearing that another opposing team’s goalkeeper usually played out on the field):  “Hey! They’ve got a player in goal.”

 

DEAD MONEY

Heard in the bar at the local football club:

Don:  “Have you got your subs?”

Beano:  “No, put it on the slab.”

 

DOUBLE TROUBLE

Daniel (now aged 11, to his dad):  “How many teams are there in the Five Nations?”

Marion (his mum):  “Oh Daniel! Don’t you know anything about football?”

 

TRIPLE TROUBLE

Daniel (again):  “We’ve got the Die Hard trilogy for the PC – all three of them.”

 

FASTEN FURIOUS

Matthew (at the local football club, anxious to get out of the car and play football between storms, but Ray is trying to mend the zip on Daniel’s coat): “Come on, Dan, is your coat working yet?”

 

WELL, LIGHT IT, THEN

Ray (on the same day, after a bright, sunny half‑time interval is over and dark clouds begin to form again): “Typical, the match starts again and the sun’s gone out.”

 

VICTORY DRAW SHOCK

Andrew (reading football results on teletext, coincidentally on the same day as the above):  “Bristol Rovers won 1-1.”

 

GOOD JOB HE’S NOT BLACK

Luke (describing Jon, a friend, rather unkindly in the Author’s view): “He’s as bent as the nine of spades.”

 

BCG DOESN’T LOOK AS GOOD ON THE HAT

Luke (suggesting that the help of the Klu Klux Klan ought to be enlisted to deal with the same friend, but having slight difficulty with pronunciation):

“I think we should call out the Blue Clogs Gang.”

 

IT STINKS

Robert (having been told something which he did not believe to be true):

“That’s an old fishwive’s tale.”

 

COMPLETELY IN THE DARK

James: “You can imagine that [The Exorcist] being scary in its day”

Nicky: “No, it’s a lot scarier at night.”

 

BAD TIMING

Margaret: “Oh, no! The clock’s not working.”

Brenda: “Yes, you’re right. I wonder what time it stopped.”

 

THE LONDON TAVERN ERA

(When the pub was in my family’s ownership)

 

IT’S A DATE, THEN

DJ: “Is Dave about, I want to sort New Year’s Eve out with him?”

Steve: “I think you’ll find it’s December 31st.”

 

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER, LARRY?

The choice of Sunday roast dinner was lamb or beef on this particular day and Dave Watt had taken someone’s order. He wrote the following on the pad:

1 x ADULT BEEF, 1 x CHILD’S BEEF, 1 x LAMB’S BEEF

 

DESPERATELY SEEKING ANDY

Dave: “He (Andy) is just like the Scarlet Pimpernel. Now you see him, now you don’t!”

 

YOU WOULDN’T GET MANY CUSTOMERS WITHOUT THEM

Dave (about a dodgy customer in the London pub he ran): “I’m sure he used to run a brothel – and prostitutes.”

 

NOD OFF!

Lance: “I even used to sleep outside Dean Court to make sure I was there to catch the coach to the away match the next day.”

Richard: “Makes a change from in here, I suppose!”

 

Tony (having lost his keys): “I must have brought them out with me, otherwise how did I get out of the house? Oh, I remember, I opened the door!”

 

Steve (after seeing the new window in the back room): “I didn’t notice the doors had gone. Is that permanent?”

 

Steve (wanting to buy a computer game at 1 a.m.): “We could go to the 24-hour Tesco in Ferndown.”

Laura: “Will they still be open?”

 

Lawrence: “Steve, I’m completely hammered; is it all right if I leave my van in the car park overnight?”

Steve: “Of course it is, Lawrence.”

Lawrence: “Thanks a lot. Can I borrow your car, then?”

 

Phil: “I even damaged my Giant helmet.”

Tricia: “Thank goodness for that – it was beginning to smell!”

 

Mr Whizz: “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Smartass child: “A teenager.”

 

Me (whilst rummaging round Lawrence’s hand for the correct coinage and, as Lawrence started laughing): “Sorry, Lawrence, am I tickling you?”

Lawrence: “No, I was looking at your face!”

 

Caroline (to Derek): “We watched a very good film – ‘Ice Age’ – you’d like it.”

Richard: “Like it? He bloody well remembers it!”

 

Rupert: “I had two winners last week and they both won.”

 

Binks (on Christmas Eve): “Blimey! This is busy for a Wednesday.”

 

Barbecue customer: “Can I have a cheeseburger, please.”

Sheila: “Do you want cheese with it?”

 

Conversationalist: “I bought some Scottish kippers in Scunthorpe recently.”

Rigsby: “How did they manage to swim all the way down to Scunthorpe, then?”

 

Derek: “You come out of the London Palladium and turn straight right.”

 

Lawrence: “If you weren’t so old, I might fancy you.”

Dave: “ If you weren’t so bloody ugly, I might fancy you!”

 

Chris: “That’s the price you pay for a free web site.”

 

Robin: “Can I have a warm J2O off the shelf, please.”

Karl: “Would you like ice in it?”

 

Tony (just prior to watching the match at St Mary’s v Spurs): “It all depends what Spurs do – I’m not sure who they’ve got today”

 

Andy: “Who’s going to win the Cup Final, then, Tony?”

Tony: “Well, it depends what happens on the day”

 

Tony: “Why’s all that bunting up in the marquee – is there a function on tonight?”

Andy: “It’s been there for two months, Tony!”

 

David N: “What are you having for supper, Derek?”

Derek: “Well, Sue’s cooking tonight – so, junk food!”

 

During commentary on the Italy v Scotland 6-Nations Rugby match in March 2012, one of the commentators referred to a Scottish player, pointing out that he was young and still growing.

“According to the programme for today’s game he was 6’ 8” last season and is 6’ 10” now. If he keeps on growing at this rate he will be 6’ 12” next season.”