Travelling Companion

Posted on December 18, 2014 by Nigel Hurll

On the sad occasion of Sheila’s stepfather’s funeral a few years ago, I had to drive up to my mother-in-law’s in Manchester; Sheila had already been there for a week, keeping her mother company. I thought it would be a good idea if Matt came with me, instead of going in the evening with his brother, his brother’s girl-friend and his cousin, so he could be company for me on the 250-mile journey.

Well, he was company in the sense that he was in the car. For the first two and a half hours, he watched ’24’ on his portable DVD player, then, when the battery failed, he made me stop at Warwick Services so he could get his CDs from his bag in the boot. My heart sank, for I knew then that Blink 182 were about to rattle my head, thus rendering all conversation impossible.

The next incident of note was his descent into a fairly deep sleep, to wake up only when we were five minutes away from my mother-in-law’s house.

So that was nice.

Voyages Around the Leicestershire Countryside

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Nigel Hurll

I recall a weekend visit a few years ago to a friend who lived at the time in Houghton‑on-the-Hill, Leicestershire. I shall call him Simon (it is his name, after all) and I had driven up with another friend, Pete, who lives in Romsey. Far be it from me to rubbish anyone but, with my hand on my heart, I could not swear that Simon is an incredibly competent driver with an unerring sense of direction.

When we arrived, we found he had arranged an evening rendezvous with another couple of friends at an establishment he insisted was called “The Ewes”. Knowing Simon, acting upon an educated hunch, and having confirmed my doubts as to the likelihood of the owners of “The Yews” naming their premises after some sheep, its location at nearby Great Glen was established. Or, as we subsequently discovered on our sojourns round the Leicestershire countryside (some being duplicated, to the extent that we began to recognise cows as old friends), it wasn’t.

The trip was not entirely without incident (well, we were with Simon): a man with no legs (driving an elaborate go-kart device with hand-operated pedals) was just one of three near misses, the other two being a man on a bicycle with all of his legs (only narrowly managing to retain them, no thanks to Simon) and a car, all of which, whilst on the face of it negotiating the highway in a perfectly legitimate manner, thoughtlessly arrived at a particular point a fraction of a second before they were about to negotiate a blind corner, and a fraction of a second after we had arrived at the same corner travelling in the opposite direction – still with me? Thank goodness for the open fields abutting the roadway. It’s all right, we didn’t frighten the cows, they knew us.

At one of several places where Simon decided that we may have been travelling in the wrong direction, he endeavoured to execute a rapid three-point turn, which probably ought to have been more correctly called a two-point-one-kerb-collision-point turn. It was a fairly high, robust kerb and I had seen it coming. Pete, in the back seat, however, had not, and was entirely unprepared for the not insignificant jolt. Only the layers of sandwich cases, pizza boxes, food bags and chocolate wrappers saved him from being severely injured.

However, after sheer perseverance, a soupçon of panic, and a fair amount of clever guesswork, we found The Yews. Life’s never boring.

The Consecutive Or Preceding Number Plate Game

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Nigel Hurll

I believe I have come up with an idea which could revolutionise the in-car entertainment business. It beats the game of Spotting Car Number Plates By Starting At One Then Counting Consecutively Thereafter into a cocked hat.

All you have to do is spot a registration and then think of another (extremely hilarious for some reason, and imaginary, although I accept you could hit on one that does exist by accident, I mean you would have chosen it by accident, not that it exists by accident, not that you’d know that, of course, anyway, if you’re still with me) registration that could satisfactorily either precede or follow the one you spot. If you’re having difficulty keeping up, let me give you an example from actual play.

On the way back home from a meeting in Hertfordshire, I passed a car bearing the registration 27 DEC. “Hmmm,” I mused, “That gives me an idea for a game” (go back to read the above in case you weren’t paying attention). “An extremely hilarious made-up registration which could satisfactorily precede that one would be 26 ANT.” D’you see?

Of course, there would have to be a rule which would forbid making up registrations that are of no interest whatsoever, like 26 DEC or 28 DEC, for example.

With a bit of fine tuning, I bet this could rapidly become a nationwide craze, even perhaps an Olympic sport one day. I might write to the Minister of Games about it; anyone know where he lives?

Road to Hell

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Nigel Hurll

I could bang on about my disgust and displeasure with road travel, particularly on the M6, until the cows come home (as long as they didn’t use the M6 – otherwise I’d be banging on for ever); the notorious section just before Junction 15 to Stoke‑on‑Trent and Newcastle‑under‑Lyme is pictured here with, I think I’m right in saying, most of the traffic somewhat disingenuously Photoshopped out. I just can’t help it – if you ask me (though I know you won’t) it should be called the M666 (or, if you are a pedantic devotee of QI, the M616) but giving one of England’s main cross‑country arteries a bad name is not my current purpose – not this time, anyway.

Some people might think that, whilst driving north and south up and down the highways and byways of the country, all I do is spend my time thinking about what vitriol I can pen in another highway-related diatribe, and that’s why I have to get Sheila to read out the Daily Telegraph crossword clues several times before properly taking them in. No, no, not at all, I can’t hear them because of the ambient noise of the radio coupled with the constant hum of tyre on road (that’s what I tell her anyway). We finished both crosswords on the way up one Monday, but only one and a half on the way back on the Tuesday (I think I had the radio on louder and possibly some more decent resurfacing is required on the southward leg).

The following are simply observations on one or two new initiatives introduced by my very good friends at the Highways Agency (HA) and spotted during our latest trip – quite uneventful as it turned out. The signs which used to say: “Queue Ahead” now read: “Queue Caution” – this has been done, apparently, as too many motorists had been regarding the former as an instruction.

The HA has also instigated new signs at several locations which say: “Bin Your Litter – Other People Do”. The first three words are an admirable suggestion but their effectiveness is considerably lessened by virtue of the accompanying statement which is based, in my view, upon the thinnest evidence. Rather, they ought to say: “Bin Your Litter Even Though Most People Don’t And The Bins At Motorway Services Get So Full That They Quickly Become A Health Hazard What With All The Rubbish Blowing Around The Car Park And Everything Not To Mention Wasps Etc”. I suppose if the signs were too lengthy, everyone would have to slow down considerably or even park up to read them. In which case, maybe they could give us advance warning by changing the signs at appropriate intervals to read “Queue Ahead To Read Next Sign”.

Right, how many words in the answer to 12 down? Sorry? What?

The road goes ever on and on

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Nigel Hurll

Apologies to J R R Tolkein. In The Lord of the Rings (one of my favourite books), there is a song with the above title that sums up a section of the utterly wretched A34 (actually, that’s how it makes me feel), which I have regularly traversed on my trips to and from the north-west. It’s strange, but the home leg always seems more interminable than the outward.

As many of you may know, there are actually three versions of the song in that great work: one which Bilbo sings as he sets off from the Shire, the second (which only has one word change) is spoken by Frodo as he and his companions pause at the Shire’s borders looking toward lands none of them had ever seen, and the third spoken by Bilbo in Rivendell (the closest version to my own). Anyway, I felt compelled to write it; as I’ve mentioned on a previous occasion, it’s hard to stop me from doing things like this!

The Road goes ever on and on
Out from the M40 where I began;
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
Please let me off, I’m not a fan.

Let others’ journeys yet begin,
But I at last with aching back
Will turn towards the lighted inn;
A glass or two, then hit the sack.

Not quite up to JRRT’s standard, I know, but it kept me quiet for a bit.

There is actually an original version of the song which Bilbo recites at the end of The Hobbit, and which starts “Roads go ever ever on”. Here’s a stab at the opening lines of the first verse of that one:

Roads go ever ever on
Over rock and under tree;
Like this one, too, I drive upon
While pining for the old M3.

I curse the Highways Agency
‘Til all my vicious words are done
But, finally, a sense of glee,
The end is nigh: A31.

Truth to tell, I’ve never actually experienced a sense of glee or any other similar emotion upon encountering the A31, especially when westbound on a Friday afternoon but, after several rewrites of the last two lines, desperation set in.