I wrote this in memory of a visit to Letchworth for a work meeting and, in particular, to a supper at the nearby hotel where I stayed overnight. Imagine a ceremony similar to the Oscars.

Gorgeous lady presenter: “And the Award For Having To Eat The Most Disgusting Sausage And Mash goes to……”

(pause for suspenseful effect)

“……Mr Hants Bluepants!” (raucous cheers, gorgeous presenter takes a deep breath and kisses me)

Me: “I just can’t believe it!” (I kiss the gorgeous lady presenter again). “This means so much to me. I was hoping that the hotel in Letchworth where I partook of the meal in question could have allowed the chef to attend tonight but he is busy poisoning some other unsuspecting diners or helping to clean up the customers’ vomit.

I would like to thank the first waitress who obviously misheard me when I consulted the Menu and ordered the ‘Sausages and Mash In A Yummy Gravy’ since she got the kitchen to rustle me up a dish of sewage instead.

Thanks are also due to the second waitress who brought the steaming, er, dish to me and asked if I wanted some tomato ketchup on it! On reflection, it might have improved the taste considerably.

I must take the opportunity of expressing my gratitude to the knife and fork – it couldn’t have been easy for them. And I couldn’t possibly have accomplished any eating at all without the help of extreme food deprivation brought about by a lack of lunch.

And when the first waitress came to collect my dish, she asked if everything had been all right. I cleverly avoided giving her a direct answer by asking if I could please pay the bill. What I should have said was that, yes, everything had been all right, inasmuch as it is all right to give someone food that has only marginally more flavour than industrial effluent, and actually resembles it, but it was 7.30pm and I was quite tired and emotional from a four-hour journey that should have only taken two and a half.

Thank you so much! I love you all!” (holds golden sausage aloft, gorgeous lady presenter backs away)

That really happened – except the award ceremony.