The following are extracts from a spoof “Your Stars This Month” feature which I did a few years ago for our pub newsletter as resident astrologer Horace Cope, all with the devilishly cunning intention of inducing people to visit the pub (which we used to own, actually) as often as possible. More of the same some other time perhaps.

TAURUS (20 Apr – 20 May)
Why Taureans should insist on staying at home watching TV and doing household chores when there is a risk of their ceiling joists collapsing on top of them is beyond me. It is far safer to be at the pub where the only event likely to weaken the ceiling is Matt leaving the bath taps on in the flat on Quiz Night. Take out that well-stocked wallet and get down there post-haste. You know it makes sense.
Lucky Sign: Plus                   Lucky Ladybug: The Four Seasons

GEMINI (21 May – 21 June)
The sign of the Twins is very appropriate at the moment, as unusually virulent sun-spot activity will enable all of you born under this sign to “twin” with the pub, requiring many more than the usual number of visits to that friendly establishment. However, if you do not manage to remain seated at the table near the fireplace for thirteen and a half minutes without being evicted by the dominoes players, your body will be covered in unsightly warts for six weeks. If it is covered in unsightly warts already, then you needn’t worry about sitting somewhere else.
Lucky Film: 35mm            Lucky Book: Deuteronomy

CANCER (22 June – 22 July)
Most Cancerians will inexplicably suffer from a mild form of frostbite at some point during the next couple of months, possibly caused by falling asleep with their feet in the freezer. All I can suggest is that they quickly make their way to the pub (not hot-foot, obviously), spend a few quid, take off their socks or tights – oh, or stockings (come on, Dave, be a man!) – lie down and wave their feet around in the kitchen when the oven and all the deep-fat fryers are turned on.
Lucky stone: 14 pounds                              Lucky Jim: Morrison

LEO (23 July – 22 Aug)
You will win a big prize in the National Lottery next Wednesday week but, to precipitate this, you will have to go to the pub every Saturday night, take a table and four chairs, put them right where the regulars are dancing and sit down, preferably with your arms folded defiantly. The more defiant the pose you strike, the more money you will win. Good luck!
Lucky Dip: Cheese and chive                    Lucky Day: Doris 

VIRGO (23 Aug – 22 Sept)
Daily visits to the pub during the fortnight after you read this are clearly indicated in the stars for all you Virgoans because you could contract a particularly virulent infection of the intestinal variety if you do not heed this advice. It will attack without warning, so you should keep on your toes throughout the period indicated. If I were you, I would point them in the direction of the pub and move them very quickly forwards.
Lucky Room: Toilet         Lucky Paper: Toilet

LIBRA (23 Sept – 23 Oct)
Listen very carefully to the local BBC radio station over the next ten days between 6pm and 8pm; when you hear your name mentioned – and I can assure you it will happen – rush to the pub and claim two free drinks. You will have 15 minutes to get there so, don’t forget, keep listening! The only restriction on this staggeringly attractive promotional offer is that you must subsequently buy five more drinks (plus one for the landlord)
Lucky Ear: Left                      Lucky Channel: English

SAGITTARIUS (22 Nov – 21 Dec)
The arrows of Sagittarius fly true to their target this month and, unfortunately, you will be shot in the leg with one. Every cloud has a silver lining, though, because the injury will not be serious and you will be quickly patched up and signed off for five weeks with an explicit instruction to be wheeled regularly to the pub for repeated doses of the healing liquid of your choice.
Lucky Archer: Grace                                    Lucky Bow: Cross