The Oxtail Dictionary Of Words & Phrases With Which Is Incorporated Common Latin Words & Phrases And New Words Introduced Into The English Language
ABOMINATION (n.) A country that, during a war, places heavy reliance upon air raids
ABSENTEEISM (n.) The irritating state of having to wait an inordinate length of time on a crowded golf course for the group ahead to finish every hole
ABSINTHE (n.) A drink that makes the heart grow fonder
ACCELERATE (vb.) Make salad quickly
ACCLIMATISE (vb.) Apply to go on a mountaineering course
ACCOLADE (n.) Award won by the makers of the Tango commercial
ACCORDION (n.) A contract of employment which a musician enters into when joining an orchestra
ACCUMULATION (n. met.) A build-up of clouds
ACID TEST (n.) Chemistry exam
ACOUSTIC (n.) Long pointed piece of wood used to prod a pigeon to stop it making that distinctive, long drawn-out and really annoying series of low whistles. However, this is a somewhat inconvenient method of prevention as the wretched creature usually flies away when you approach it (often just missing your head) and I would recommend a small handgun (fitted with a silencer, obviously).
ACRIMONY (n.) Bitterly argumentative marriage
ACROPHOBIA (n.) A fear of downloading PDF files from the internet
ACUITY (n.) A natural aptitude for snooker, billiards or pool
AD HOC (n.) (Lat.) Where an item is taken to be pawned
ADAGIO (n.) A piece of prose littered with wise old sayings
ADAMANT (adj.) Descriptive of the first man to arrive at a function
ADDITIVE (adj.) Having a flare for mathematics
ADHERE (n.) Billboard
ADMINISTER (n.) The person in a company responsible for publicity
ADMIRE (n.) The mess in which the maker of a TV commercial finds himself when its controversial content causes hundreds of complaints.
ADULTERATE (vb.) Help someone progress from childhood without necessarily making them become more sensible
ADULTERY (n.) Like infancy, but much more fun
ADUMBRATE (n.) Person with a very low IQ
ADVANTAGE (n.) Neon sign usually placed at a high level for maximum visibility
ADVENTURE (n.) A direct movement towards a window
AFFLUENCE (n.) Wealth accumulated from a successful waste disposal business
AFTER (adv.) Much further back
AFTERMATH (n.) History, Geography, English, Physics, Chemistry etc. etc.
AGENCY (n.) Eligibility for a retirement pension
AGGREGATION (n.) Group of people that (usually as a result of the popularity of the person who has just died) has to wait outside a church at a funeral service because there’s no room inside
AGRONOMIST (n.) Someone who constantly gets into fights
AIDE-DE-CAMP (n.) A fellow holidaymaker who helps you put up your tent/awning
AIRBAG (n.) An ugly EasyJet stewardess
AIRCRAFT (n.) What a barber has to learn
ALABASTER – What the other drivers on the road are (usu. pl.)
ALACRITY (n.) The maximum speed a boat is permitted to travel on a body of water – Windermere, for example.
ALIENATE (vb.) Dress someone up as E.T.
ALPENSTOCK (n.) A hot protein-filled soup popular with mountaineers.
AMBULATORY (adj.) Able to walk to A & E
AMBUSH (n.) A shrub with dense foliage commonly used to hide in before jumping out to surprise friends
AMENABLE (adj.) Describes a short plea, exhortation or incantation considered of sufficient importance by religious organisations to warrant official prayer status
AMELIORATE (adj.) Change someone’s name to Amelia
AMIABLE (adj.) Capable of being called Amy
AMPERSAND (n.) Picnic on the beach
ANALOGY (n.) The study of assholes
ANCESTOR (n.) Someone vehemently opposed to brotherly (or sisterly) love
ANTAGONIST (n.) (1) Someone who provides answers to a newspaper or magazine reader’s questions about their personal problems, (2) Someone who has been painfully injured as a result of infection with formic acid from an insect bite
ANTICLIMAX (n.) Something your uncle would never dream of discussing with you
ANTIPATHY (n.) A positive aversion to countryside rambles
ANTIQUES ROADSHOW (n.) Status Quo concert
APEX (n.) Top of a chimpanzee’s head
APHRODISIAC (n.) A lecturer on Caribbean history (NOT big frizzy hair styles)
APIARIST (n.) Copycat
ARCHERY (n.) Feature of building characterised by openings with parallel sides and rounded top
ARMY (n.) The part of the body connected to the shouldery – see HANDY
ARTERY (n.) Cultural items, e.g. classical paintings or sculptures – “The Louvre is famous for its wonderful artery” – see ARTFUL (which The Louvre is, of course)
ARTICHOKE (vb.) To stifle a gasp upon encountering a wonderful painting in a picture gallery: the Louvre, perhaps
ARTISAN (n.) Toilet in a picture gallery
ASBESTOS (n.) The supreme effort made by a participant in a competition
ASKANCE (n.) A quiz
ASPIRIN (n.) A neck strain caused by constantly trying to see the top of Salisbury Cathedral
ASSAILANT (n.) Yachtsman
ASSET STRIPPER (n. f.) A performer brought on at the end of a show when the audience’s interest in the bloke playing the spoons is flagging. This is a sure-fire guarantee of success.
ASSIZES (n.) Measurements necessary for a tailor to be able to make trousers
ASSIZE JUDGE (n.) A master tailor needs to be a good one
ASTERISK (n.) The chance taken on whether to plant a flower or not
ASTEROIDS (n. pl.) Painful growths caused by prolonged periods seated in the gravity-free environment of a spacecraft
ASTRAKHAN (n.) Vauxhall model only produced in India
B
BALDERDASH (n.) Rapidly receding hairline
BAMBOOZLE (vb.) Beat [someone] with a thin bendy cane
BANAL (n.) A very common and quite dull man-made waterway
BANDIT (n.) Carved on Mary Whitehouse’s gravestone
BANISTER (n.) An official who imposes a blanket restriction on an individual or group from doing a specified act or from entering a particular establishment. See CANISTER
BANTER (n.) The official citation contained in the public document issued by a BANISTER
BAPTIST (n.) A baker who specialises in making rolls or small loaves
BARBARITY (n.) The tendency to name a first-born female child Barbara
BARGAIN (n.) The net profit made by the licensee on an alcoholic drink
BASHFUL (adj.) In the habit of punching people frequently
BATTERY (n.) The duration of a cricketer’s innings
BEATIFICATION (n.) Punishment regularly dished out by a BASHFUL person
BEATITUDE (n.) The condition you are in having been duffed up by that BASHFUL bloke
BENCHMARK (n.) Graffiti scratched on a seat in the park, e.g. “Brad Kylie”
BLANKET (n.) An empty space on a washing line
BEDOUIN (n.) Part of the standard service offered by a guest house in the Arabian desert, i.e. Bedouin & Breakfast
BELEAGUERED (adj.) Over the years, this has just come to mean lost (lit. situated at least three miles from where you need to be)
BISECT (n.) An insect with two heads
BISHOPRIC (n.) An important member of the Church (see what I did there?)
BLUNDERBUSS (n.) A coach which you board by mistake
BODY STOCKING (n.) A practice adopted by Messrs Burke and Hare once they had a cold storage room installed in their cellar; this enabled them to meet bulk orders
BONDAGE (n.) A comprehensive list of everything you need to know about Ian Fleming’s secret agent
BOOBY TRAP (n.) Brassiére
BOUNDARY (n.) A school for kangaroos [see OUT OF BOUNDS] (q.v.)
BORDER CONTROL (n.) Essential and fundamental maintenance of the bikini line
BOTTOM DRAWER (n.) Artist who only paints people’s arses
BRONTOSAURUS (n.) A literary critic who steadfastly refuses to believe that any good novels came out of Yorkshire after about 1850
BROTHEL (n.) Soup kitchen
BRUTE FORCE (n.) The Met (allegedly)
BULLETIN (n.) Gunshot entry wound
BULRUSH (n.) Before which a cow braces itself
BUSH TELEGRAPH (vb.) The kind of erotic message popularised by Sharon Stone when she crossed her legs in Basic Instinct
BUTTER (n.) Bad-tempered goat
BUTTERFINGERS (pron.) The nickname given to Marlon Brando in honour of THAT scene in Last Tango In Paris
BUTTRESS (n.) A kitchen assistant who helps to make sandwiches
C
CABBAGE PATCH (n.) Taxi rank
CABINET (n.) A protective curtain that separates a taxi driver from the passengers
CAESARIAN SECTION (n.) A district in Rome
CAMP FOLLOWER (n.) Regular member of the audience on the Graham Norton Show
CAMPAIGN (n.) Muscular defect brought about by excessive production of holiday videos
CANISTER (n.) An official who revokes a blanket restriction on an individual or group from doing a specified act or from entering a particular establishment – previously imposed by a BANISTER (q.v.)
CANTILEVER (n.) Device for removing lids from tins of beans
CANTATA (vb.) Able to wave a loved one goodbye without displaying emotion
CANTER (n.) Someone who is convinced they are unable to accomplish even the simplest of tasks – and repeatedly informs everyone of it
CAPSIZE (n.) Oh, come on! Well, all right, how about 6⅞, then?
CARDIAC (n.) A fanatical devotee of Blackjack and Baccarat in a casino – see CARDIAC ARREST, relating to the criminal penalties for cheating at these games
CARNAGE (n.) The Gravelly Hill Interchange, aka Spaghetti Junction
CARNAL KNOWLEDGE (n.) What every good garage mechanic needs
CARPENTER (vb.) Have sex with a goldfish
CARTOON (n.) A football (sorry, soccer) fan who drives to all of Newcastle United’s games
CAST-OFF (n.) Theatrical holiday
CATERWAUL (n.) What those bloody feline nuisances sit on and howl all through the night
CHEDDAR GORGE (n.) An ‘all you can eat’ cheese fondue party
CHERISH (adj.) Like Sonny’s partner
CHICORY (n.) High fashion
CHIPMUNK (n.) Deep fat friar
CIRCUMSPECT (vb.) Check carried out by the rabbi to see that the foreskin has been properly removed
CISTERCIAN (n.) Order of monks founded in 1098 whose main claim to fame was the invention of the flush toilet
CLAPTRAP (n.) Theatrical device whereby an audience is forced to applaud a performer when he introduces an element of his act for which he is renowned (e.g. song, catchphrase etc.), even though it is old hat and, quite frankly, often shite – see Norman Wisdom, “Don’t laugh at me ‘cos I’m a fool”
CLAUSTROPHOBIA (n.) An irrational fear of Christmas closing in
COCK-A-HOOP (n.) A knob ring
COCKCHAFER (n.) A pair of very uncomfortable cheap nylon underpants
COHABIT (n.) A (usually unsavoury) practice shared by partners, for example, where they both pick their noses
COINCIDE (n.) The process of changing a country’s system of currency to one where only banknotes are used
CONCATENATE (vb.) I don’t wish to hurt the feelings of any animal lovers but this is what an estate agent will do to gauge the size of a very small room; it involves a family pet and a circular motion of the arm above the head.
CONCERTINA (n.) Musical recital performed by dwarves.
CONDOMINIUM (n.) The smallest sized male contraceptive available; shame you can’t get bicycle valve rubbers from Halfords any more – they were cheaper
CONTOUR (n.) Guided trip for which unsuspecting foreign visitors are tricked into paying a ridiculously inflated charge, esp. in London
COOPER (n.) Someone who does all their shopping at the Co-op
COPPICE (n.) Police house
COPULATION (n.) Residents of an estate comprised entirely of police houses
COQ AU VIN (n.) Sex in a Transit
CORRIGENDUM (n.) The (actually quite prophetic) ancient Roman name for the poorer residential districts of Manchester
CORROBORATE (vb.) Carry out a daring bank job with some mates
COUNTENANCE (n.) The period during which a census takes place
COUNTESS (n.) A female census officer
COUNTRYSIDE (n.) Murder of Piers Morgan, for example
COUNTY (adj.) A common and endearing nickname for a census officer
COUPLET (n.) Pygmy man and wife
CRAPULENCE (n.) Ineptitude
CRIBBAGE (n.) Mothercare
CROCKERY DEPARTMENT (n.) Stoke City defence
CUCKOLD (n.) A cuckoo that is more than 10 years old; because of its age, it has restricted mobility and is normally only able to live in its own nest. An epic fail for any self-respecting cuckoo.
CUPBOARD LOVE (n.) A massive coitus interruptus-type erection that prevents the wardrobe door from fully closing when her husband comes home from work unexpectedly
CURRY FAVOUR (n.) Discount offered at an Indian restaurant, or a meal promotion such as an “Eat All You Khan” buffet
CURSORY (adj.) Something full of foul language, like Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, for example
CURTAIL (n.) Dog end
CUSTODY (n.) Dessert menu
D
DARK CONTINENT (n.) The condition of an elderly person who experiences no problems with toilet activity in the middle of the night
DEAD CENTRE (n.) Cemetery
DEADEN (vb.) Kill
DEATH SENTENCE (n.) For example, “I leave all my worldly goods to my son, Cholmondeleigh.”
DEATH TOLL (n.) Funeral expenses
DECADENT (n.) Occurring every ten years
DECAFFEINATED (vb.) Came out of a restaurant
DECOMPOSE (vb.) Stop writing music
DECOY (n.) Something or someone that helps you overcome shyness
DECREASE (vb.) To iron – see FLATTERY
DELEGATION (n.) An amputees’ conference
DELIGHT (n.) Power cut
DELIVERANCE (n.) A cure for cirrhosis
DEPENDABLE (adj.) Able to swim confidently
DESERTED (adj.) Like a beach (i.e. sandy)
DEVOLUTION (n.) The action of a wheel brake
DEXTERITY (n.) A tendency to read the Inspector Morse stories
DIABOLICAL (adj.) Having a complete set of testicles
DIGNITARY (n.) A gardening expert
DISENFRANCHISE (vb.) Deport from Calais
DISGRUNTLED (vb.) Made a pig lose its voice
DISMEMBER (vb.) Forget
DISMISSED (n.) What a previously unmarried woman becomes upon her marriage
DIVERTISSEMENT (n.) Publication of two job vacancies at the same time
DOTAGE (n.) Punctuation
DOZENAL (n.) A drug contained in sleeping tablets
DUMPLING (n.) A child who forages in a rubbish tip
DUNGAREES (n. pl.) Special protective trousers worn to clean out stables to stop you getting shit all over your ordinary trousers
DUNGEON (n.) Muck heap
DUSTBUSTER (n.) A piquant statement written with a finger in the dust covering the back of a (usually commercial) vehicle, such as “CLEAN ME” or “I WISH MY WIFE WAS AS DIRTY AS THIS” or “MY OTHER VAN IS NOT A PILE OF SHITE”
E
EARTHENWARE (n.) Clothing ridiculed at an alien themed fancy dress party
EBULLIENCE (n.) A performance indicator to describe the extent of exaggeration and irrelevance contained in a data file
ELASTICATE (vb.) Move someone to the end e.g. of a queue, or the bottom of a list
ELECTORAL QUOTA (n.) The trite, pointless and wholly disingenuous statements made by the successful candidate in his/her post-election speech, like: “…a fair and well-fought contest by my opponent(s)…”, “…must thank the Returning Officer and his staff…”, “…couldn’t have done it without my [wife]/[agent]/[golden labrador Tufty]/[faithful electorate]…” etc. etc.
ELECTORAL ROLL (n.) Energetic victory celebration executed by the winning candidate
EMBANKMENT (n.) Deposit of the takings
EMBARKATION (n.) Result of the sudden disturbance of a guard dog
EMBITTERED (adj.) Unable to walk in a straight line late at night
EMBOSS (vb.) Promote to team leader
EMERGENCY (n.) The act of exiting a hospital [see that?]
EMULATE (vb.) Mimic Rod Hull
ENCUMBER (vb.) Force someone to eat salad
ENDEARMENT (n.) An increase in prices
ENGROSS (vb.) Buy as many more items as it takes until you have 144 of them
ENLIGHTEN (vb.) Restore power
ENTRECHAT (n. Fr.) Someone who rudely butts into a private conversation
EQUILIBRIUM (n.) A book about horsemanship
EQUINOX (n.) A night out with a horse
EQUIPMENT (n.) The delivery of a good quick one-liner during a conversation
ERGO (n. Lat.) Male term for divorce
EROGENOUS ZONE (n.) Red light district
ESCAPADE (n.) Emergency exit in a fizzy drinks factory
ESSENCE (n.) A feature of speech which unfortunately achieves prominence if you have to wear dentures. This may be simply part of the natural degenerative process through advancing years or the inevitable consequence of a lack of tooth care – if you choose to believe Pam Ayres – but, however it happens, ensure you acquire some decent ones, or you should avoid singing Gracie Fields’ famous song The Biggest Aspidistra In The World, attempting tongue twisters like ‘she sells seashells on the seashore’, Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven (or, at least, the line that begins “And the silken sad uncertain rustling…”), if you don’t want to keep being asked at the Christmas party for a rendition of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs‘ “Whistle While You Work”, or Pinocchio’s “Give A Little Whistle” or constantly being given the cards in Charades for The Old Grey Whistle Test, Whistle Down The Wind, The Whistle Blower, Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café, and, last but by no means least, the memorable 1968 film from the well-known Filipino director Consuelo Osorio, based on the story by Mars Ravelo, Ngitngit ng Pitong Whistle Bomb.
Imagine if Lauren Bacall’s immortal lines as Marie “Slim” Browning in To Have And Have Not had to be changed because poor old Bogie was a sufferer: “You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow jam in the false gnashers and say ‘ipsissimus’.”
Notable proponents of this occupational hazard are John Craven (currently appearing on the BBC’s Countryfile) and Sir David Attenborough (currently appearing in most nature programmes on several channels and the BBC’s more and more annoyingly frequent ITV-style interludes advertising its current and upcoming offerings).
I count myself very lucky that I am in the position of not knowing if all dentures exhibit this irritating tendency but, if I were John or Dave, I’d have a right go at the BBC Props Department. Michael Parkinson (currently reduced to TV commercials for insurance) seems to have the problem beaten, although he can’t seem to read the auto-cue without it looking totally obvious that’s what he’s doing.
Geoffrey Palmer is a very good actor, isn’t he?.
ESTABLISHMENT (n.) Proof that the murder weapon was a knife
EXCELLENT (adj.) Very proficient with spreadsheets
EXCOMMUNICATE (vb.) Talk to someone outside through an open window
EXPATRIATE (vb.) Take your Dad out for the day
EXPOSURE (n.) A fashion model’s former employment
EXTERMINATE (adj.) During the school holidays
EXUBERANCE (n.) The state of Nazi Germany after World War II ended
F
FACTORY (adj.) Reference section of a library
FAIR DEAL (n.) The terms and conditions in accordance with which a travelling show occupies an area of land
FAIRY TALE (n.) Graham Norton’s biography
FALLACY (n.) An ice-skating session for beginners
FALSEHOOD (n.) Generic term for an item of clothing used for a purpose for which it is not intended, believed to originate from the practice of the typical English holidaymaker wearing a knotted handkerchief on the head
FASTEN (vb.) Go quicker
FEBRILE (adj.) Annoyed at being born on February 29th
FINE ART (n.) The consummate skill of a traffic warden
FIRE EXIT (n.) A way to put out fires
FIRE HYDRANT (n.) A secret arsonist
FIREPROOF (n.) Vital evidence in an arson case
FISHING TACKLE (n.) An accusation or challenge made to an angler about a wildly exaggerated account of the size of one of his catches
FLAGRANT (n.) Complaint about the Union Jack being flown upside down
FLATTERY (n.) The process of ironing clothes
FLATULENCE (n.) The characteristic smell of (male) students’ accommodation
FLIPPANT (adj.) The status of a participant in a game of Tiddleywinks when it is his turn
FORCE FEED (n.) Regiment reunion dinner
FORGERY (n.) The work of a blacksmith
FORKLIFT (n.) The irritating manoeuvre of the Americans whereby food is lifted to the mouth using the hand that normal people use to cut it
FORTNIGHTLY (n.) B & B tariff at the castle
FORTIFICATION (n.) What happens after you’re 39
FRACTIOUS (adj.) Adept with numbers
FRETWORK (n.) Desperate last minute revision for an exam
FRICTION (n.) Storytelling that causes argument
G
GAME RESERVE (vb.) Put your 50p down on the pool table
GANG RULE (n.) Used to determine whether or not a young thug is tall enough to join
GANGRENE (n.) The degenerative condition of a part of the body whose name derives from the ancient north-eastern tribes of England’s way of describing its progress and effect: “Wey aye, lads, it’s gannin’ green.”
GARBAGE (n.) Clothing
GARBLE (vb.) Get dressed
GASTRIC BAND (n.) A group that invariably plays its gigs in pubs, characterized by their large beer-bellies
GAUCHO (n.) A left-handed cowboy
GAZETTE (n.) A female member of the Paul Gascoigne fan club
GHOST WRITER (n.) Henry James, for example, or Algernon Blackwood
GLADIATOR (n.) Someone who does something that makes you feel happy
GOATEE (n.) A member of the football team who receives a pass from Sean Goater
GORGEOUS (adj.) Deep and wide
GRAVY (adj.) Descriptive of a cemetery
GUMPTION (n.) Degree of adherence, e.g. of a stamp or envelope flap
GUSTO (n.) The strength of a wind’s acceleration
GUTTER (colloq.) A goal scored in the dying seconds of time added on (see OLD TRAFFORD)
GUTTERING (pres. part.) Suffering from a goal scored in the dying seconds of time added on
H
HAMLET (n.) Young pig (not the Prince of Denmark as was once widely thought)
HARANGUE (vb.) Berate someone for not whipping egg whites enough
HEAVISIDE LAYER (n.) An overweight hen
HILARIOUS (adj.) Like anything done by Bill Clinton’s wife
HINDSIGHT (n.) The upper part of a young woman’s backside (almost always including part of the bum-crack and including most or a major part of the thong she is wearing) that is visible when she sits down wearing those clingy low-slung jeans/trousers that seem to be all the rage these days
HINTERLAND (n.) The mythical place of mental turmoil that a cryptic crossword solver finds himself in when he knows what the answer must be but just can’t quite work out why.
HIRSUTE (n.) The black outfit worn by that solemn looking bloke who walks in front of the leading funeral car
HOAR FROST (n.) Distinctly hostile reaction of a lady of the night to the suggestion that she should offer you a 10% discount for cash.
HOMEOPATHY (n.) You know those conmen who knock on your door and offer to tarmac your drive? This is what they do. And they aren’t very good at it.
HOODWINK (n.) Secret signal that was commonly used by outlaws in Sherwood Forest
HOOVER DAM (n.) A rude swear perpetrated when you make a huge dent in the skirting board with the vacuum cleaner
HORNET (n. Mus.) A small trombone
I
ILL-ADVISED (adj.) What a GP’s patients are (assuming there is something wrong with them, of course)
IMPAIRMENT (n.) An advanced method of sock treatment prior to washing which facilitates their efficient placement on the line, thereby speeding their retrieval and subsequent storage when dry
IMPOSTOR (n.) The sender of an item via Royal Mail
IN LOCO PARENTIS (Lat.) Special train ticket for an adult accompanied by a child
INADVERTENCE (n.) The period during which many TV audiences make a cup of tea or go to the toilet
INAUGURAL (adj.) During the summer holidays
INCOMPATIBLE (adj.) In a convenient location so you can check you’ve still got it – applied originally to a worker’s wage packet
INCOMPETENT (adj.) Participating in a test of skill
INDEFATIGABLE (adj.) Unable to diet
INDIGNANT (adj.) Tending an allotment
INDOLENT (adj.) In receipt of unemployment benefit
INEFFABLE (adj.) Unable to swear
INEVITABLE (adj.) Bound to become a Rice/Lloyd-Webber musical
INFATUATED (adj.) Descriptive of a dish whose preparation requires the use of inordinate amounts of lard and/or greasy oil
INFERIOR (n.) A small room or corridor between the main living area and the outside, such as an airlock in a spacecraft, or a small porch
INHOSPITABLE (adj.) Having to be kept in for medical observation and/or tests.
INKLING (n.) The small blob adhering to the end of a biro which transfers itself to the paper just as you come to the end of a particularly long paragraph and which forces you to have to rewrite it
INMATE (n.) A friend you meet at the pub
INNER (n.) Regular pub-goer
INNER TUBE (n.) Central Line
INNOVATION (n.) Slightly drunken applause for a Saturday night pub band
INSCRUTABLE (adj.) Like a virgin – I think Madonna’s song should have been called this
INSINUATION (n.) Residence with someone to whom you are not married; this has fallen from common usage as society’s mores have changed. In parts of the north, it used to be called “living over t’ brush”
INSOLENT (adj.) Where the Isle of Wight ferry is most of the time
INSOLVENT (n.) An impossibly difficult crossword
INTERMINABLE (adj.) Taking place during normal school time
INTERPOLATE (vb.) Have a criminal investigation carried out Europe-wide
INTERVENTION (n.) Price-cutting war between rival double-glazing companies
INTESTATE (adj.) Taking an exam
INTESTINES (n.pl.) Students taking an exam
IN TOTO (Lat.) Where Dorothy’s slippers kept ending up
INTRICATE (vb.) Create an illusion for a magician; Jonathan Creek is very good at this
INTRODUCE (n. It.) How Mussolini used to start his speeches
INTUIT (vb.) To know more about Eskimos than you realised
INVESTMENT (n. US) Putting on a waistcoat
INVIDIOUS (adj.) Specifically applicable to the slimy, odious manner in which Betamax threatened to become the preferred format – we need no longer worry about such trifles except, perhaps, upscaling DVD players
IRREVERENT (n.) A vicar growing old disgracefully
J
JAILBIRD (n.) Kept by Robert Stroud in Alcatraz
JAM SESSION (n.) Journey on the M6, M40, M42, M60, M62 – take your pick
JAM TART (n.) Stripper held up in traffic
JET LAG (n.) Take-off delay (official airline excuse #334: “waiting for a slot”)
JOINERY (n.) The disingenuous assimilation at the bar into a round that is being bought by a complete stranger
JOIST (adj.) Happy and wet
JOLLY ROGER (n.) An activity enjoyed by gay pirates, popularised by the well-known porn star, ‘Long John’ Silver, whose filmography includes such classics as “Blow The Man Down”, “Curvy Knaves”, “Bury It In My Chest”, “Pooping on the Poopdeck” and “Stop up My Porthole”
K
KINSHIP (n. sl.) Viking vessel, strictly speaking ‘kin’ ship as, when the marauding Norsemen appeared over the horizon, people used to look out to sea and say “Oh, bloody hell, there’s another one of those ‘kin’ ships”
KNIGHTHOOD (n.) Helmet
L
LACKADAISICAL (adj.) Descriptive of February in non-leap years
LAMBAST (vb.) Add mint sauce
LARDER (n.) Someone who fills the deep fat fryers before the chippy opens
LARGESSE (n.) S
LASSITUDE (n.) Tendency in a man to act like a girl
LAST RESORT (n.) Ramsgate, more or less
LATE DEVELOPER (n.) Bonusprint – I always had trouble with them, didn’t you?
LATENCY (n.) Annoying tendency to never arrive anywhere on time
LATEX (n.) Pathetic reason advanced by someone as to why they didn’t arrive on time
LATHER (n.) Craftsman who turns wood
LATTICE (n.) Salad vegetable grown in a window box
LAVISH (adj.) Like a toilet
LAYMAN (n.) Someone who keeps chickens
LEGISLATURE (n.) Knee bandage
LIGHTNING CONDUCTOR (n.) The pianist in his orchestra can perform Chopin’s Minute Waltz in 47 seconds
LINGERIE (n.) A man who lurks furtively near the ladies’ changing rooms hoping to catch a glimpse of someone’s undies
LIP SERVICE (n.) An item on a lady of the night’s oral tariff
LISTLESS (adj.) Not having a clue what to buy in the supermarket
LOAN SHARK (n.) What an oceanarium has to arrange quickly to replace a lost exhibit
LOBOTOMY (adj.) Putting it kindly, being a bit on the portly side
LOBSTER (n.) Someone who throws something at you
LOGARITHM (n.) Lumberjacks’ disco
LOOSE-LEAF (n.) In many instances, the inevitable consequence of autumn
LOTTERY (n.) Very large amount
LYMPH (vb.) To walk with a lisp
M
MACADAMIA (n.) – The study of road surfaces
MAGNIFICAT (n.) – Feline superhero who gained his special powers by eating a dish of radioactive Whiska’s prepared by a mad scientist whose dog was run over and killed by the driver of a lorry who had swerved to avoid the cat; his main claim to fame is that he really does have nine lives – well, this is only an assumption on his part (and mine, if I’m honest) – he has actually died seven times already so is trying to maintain a very low profile, which is why he’s not that famous.
MAHOGANY (n.) Pig quota
MARCHIONESS (n.) The girl at the front of the parade who chucks that long pole up in the air, catches it and twirls it round
MARGINAL (n.) A conscious decision not to use butter
MARINADE (n.) Something that assists navigation at sea
MASS HYSTERIA (n.) A condition brought about by the realisation that the Communion wine has run out
MASSACRE (n.) A large gathering of people in a field
MASTITIS (n.) An illness you had two years before (see what I did there?)
MEANS TEST (n.) Experiment. What? Well, does it mean test or doesn’t it?
MEASLES (n.) The actions of a selfish individual, i.e. an attack of the measles; cf. GERMAN MEASLES, which is akin to the aforementioned except it involves deckchairs and bath towels
MEDIOCRE (n.) The colour of your face when you develop jaundice
MEDIUM (n. Lat. deriv.) A single newspaper reporter
MEMORY STICK (n.) A condition whereby you enter a room and then wonder why you did
MENDICANT (n.) A person who is hopeless at DIY repairs
METALLURGY (n.) Mercury poisoning
METEOROLOGY (n.) Just a question, really; why does this not mean the study of meteors?
METRONOME (n.) Little ticket inspector on the Paris underground (the old ones are the best)
MICROBE (n.) A mini-skirt
MICROWAVE (n.) An almost imperceptible movement of the hand signifying that one doesn’t really want to say goodbye
MIDRIFF (adv.) Halfway through a guitar solo
MIGRANT (n.) Someone susceptible to severe headaches
MILLINER (n.) More a history of word usage than a definition, this; in early Victorian times, being in the hat profession was the aim of every respectable young woman and good positions were much sought after, not to mention very well-paid. Competition was so fierce, in fact, that nationwide contests began to be held during which young hopefuls were asked progressively difficult questions about the trade. The contest became known as “Who Wants To Be A Milliner?”; the rest, as they say, is history.
MISSIONARY POSITION (n.) In the early days, quite frequently in a large cooking pot over an open fire
MISTLETOE (n.) A painful foot infection
MISTRESS (n.) Something between a mister and a mattress
MOGADON (n.) Head of a cat family
MORSEL ▪ — ▪ ▪
MOSQUITO (n.) A very small Muslim place of worship
MUMMIFY (vb.) Render pregnant
N
NEGLIGENT (adj.) A condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in a flimsy nightdress
NEIGHBOURHOOD (n.) The gangster who lives next door
NETWORK (n.) The quite tricky process of landing the fish you just caught whilst still juggling with the rod in your other hand
NEWSLETTER (n.) A person responsible for the outpouring of news as a therapy; cf BLOODLETTER
NITRATE (n.) Pay scale for evening working
NOBLESSE OBLIGE (n. Fr.) Royal edict pursuant to which a eunuch is forced to work in a harem
NOVATION (n.) A distinct, palpable and uncomfortably negative audience reaction following a rubbish performance
O
OCCIDENTAL (adj.) Travelling in a westerly direction by mistake
OUT OF BOUNDS (n.) The condition of a kangaroo having been subjected to an exceptionally rigorous training session at a BOUNDARY (q.v.)
OUTSMARTED (vb.) (1) Dressed up to go to a special event, (2) Argued successfully that your operation was more painful than that of the person with whom you are arguing
OXYMORON (n.) Someone with burnt fingers
P
PACKAGE DEAL (n.) A bulk mailing discount offered by the Post Office
PALEONTOLOGY (n.) Companionship
PALETTE (n.) Girl-friend
PALOMINO (n.) My Italian friend
PANDEMONIUM (n.) Cooking utensil specifically designed to make devilled kidneys, eggs etc.
PANIC STATIONS (n. pl.) Those (like Reading) where the train leaves in a different direction from the one it arrives in, instilling abject fear among many of the passengers
PANTRY (n.) Underwear storage facility
PARALLELOGRAM (n.) A communication received from the Queen by identical twins on the occasion of their 100th birthday
PARASITE (n.) Crack soldiers’ training ground
PARKING METER (n.) The distance from the kerb a woman usually parks
PEDANT (n.) One who insists upon strict adherence to a rigid regime of foot care
PEDIGREE CHUM (n.) Old public school friend
PETULANCE (n.) What happens when the dog eats sprouts
PICNIC HAMPER (n.) A series of events that conspire together to spoil the enjoyment of a family summer lunch in the countryside; for example, accidentally upturning a wasps’ nest, a family of grizzly bears chancing upon your party (admittedly, this is unlikely to happen in Hyde Park), a gang of marauding teenagers trampling all over your comestibles, or hailstones the size of tennis balls appearing from what was, ten minutes before, a cloudless blue sky.
PILLORY (n.) A small box for medication
PLAGIARISM (n.) The action which precipitates a deadly epidemic, e.g. coughing in someone’s face on a London bus or Tube train; much less likely to happen at a Meadowbank Thistle match.
PODIUM (n. Lat. deriv.) An early Roman public convenience
POLAROID (n.) An uncomfortable affliction affecting sedentary bears at the top of the world and penguins at the bottom
POMEGRANATE (n.) A generic (and always derogatory) term used by Australian builders to describe materials used in the British construction industry.
PORTFOLIO (n.) The left hand page of a ship’s log
PREDICAMENT (n.) The period of pleasant anticipation experienced by a woman prior to intercourse
PREFIX (n.) A tradesman’s estimate of the cost of repair work, usually wildly inaccurate.
PULPIT (n.) Fruit juice extractor
PUNISHMENT (n.) In the written or spoken word, the assault on one’s literary senses by the constant use of dreadful plays on words
PURIST (n.) Someone who cooks with squashed tomatoes
R
RACKETEER (n.) An extremely noisy person
RANCOUR (n.) Jonathan Woss
RAT RACE (n.) Some people will bet on anything
REAR ADMIRAL (n.) Bottom appreciation
RECRIMINATION (n.) Foolish resumption of an illegal activity, usually leading to another stretch in clink
RECTIFY (n.) Stick something up someone’s arse, e.g. a thermometer
RED ALERT (n.) e.g. “The Russians are coming!”
RED CABBAGE (n.) Taxi rank at Old Trafford
RED DWARF (n.) Grumpyski, Docovich, Sleepyov, Happyev etc.
REFERENDUM (n.) The period between the proper timed end of the match and the extended finishing point chosen by Sir Alex Ferguson. This is, of course, dependent upon the score prevailing at the (earlier) time. The word is now only of historic significance since the vile, bacon-faced bastard is no longer the United manager and there is no football manager of whom referees are scared shitless.
REHEARSAL (n.) You know those ‘Carry On’ type interludes in a film where, at a funeral, the lead vehicle lurches forward and the coffin falls out (with absolutely hilarious consequences, as likely as not accompanied by that Benny Hill sketch music), well, this is the act of replacing the coffin in the vehicle.
REMISSION (n.) The legal process a woman has to undergo to revert to her maiden name
REMORSE (vb.) Repeatedly send an SOS
REPERCUSSION (n.) The feeling of deep mortification resulting from being told off by the conductor for banging your cymbals, tambourine, triangle etc. in the wrong place
REPUDIATE (vb.) Have another helping of dessert
S
SHELL SUIT – Safety outfit worn by workers on an oil rig
SLUGGISH (adj.) Slimy
SLUSH FUND (n.) A local authority’s snow-clearing budget
SPANNER (n.) A bridge (see ADJUSTABLE SPANNER – London Bridge)
SPECTATOR (n.) An extremely small King Edward
SPECTRUM (n. Lat. deriv.) An early Roman optician’s (lots of choice of frames of all colours, obviously)
SPECULATION (n.) The science of predicting the colour of eggs
STEPLADDER (n.) An item left behind by the previous owners of a house and happily adopted by the new occupiers
SPOKESMAN (n.) Bicycle wheel manufacturer
STADIUM (n. Lat. deriv.) An early Roman chariot park, usually broken down into categories, e.g. short stadium, long stadium, shoppers stadium etc.
SURGERY (n.) The slow, gradual and deliberate movement forward – sometimes menacing – of a crowd of people.
T
TABLOID (adj.) Ironically, descriptive of something that can only be comfortably read/studied/examined when spread out on a standard dining table
TANNOY (n.) The intensely irritating muzak which is played between announcements made over a public address system.
TEDIUM (n. Lat. deriv.) An early Roman café notorious for its slow service
TRAMPOLINE (n.) A specially manufactured anti-bacterial soap with which – if you’ve a mind – you can clean a gentleman of the road. Mind you, following this course of action would inevitably involve: (1) taking off his clothes, and (2) providing him with a completely new set. I think this is why sales of the product are not breaking any records.
TRANSITORY (n.) Warehouse where vans are stored
TRAPEZIUM Strange shaped (and fully adapted) home for Roman acrobats
TRUCULENT (adj.) Doggedly insistent that one’s tachometer has not been doctored
U
UNDERLING (n.) A servant in Victorian England whose sole responsibility was to launder her employers’ pants, bloomers, petticoats etc.
UNSTABLE (vb.) Take out the horse
V
VACCINE (n.) The cleaning fluid used in hoovers
VANGUARD (n.) Securicor employee
VANISH (adj.) White, dirty, dented and rusty
VERTEBRAE (n.pl.) Ladies’ undergarments that run north/south, rather than east/west
W
WARFARE (n.) Vital food supplies to front line troops
WHOOPING COUGH (n.) Noise made by a football fan temporarily forgetting they are standing in the away end – as in: “Hurra….”*cough cough splutter splutter*
WILLY-NILLY (adj.) Impotent
SECTION II – NEW WORDS INTRODUCED INTO ENGLISH
DESKIMO (n.) Receptionist in an Alaskan hotel
LA TRIVIATA (pron.) – A popular opera about not very much, really
LAIDY (n.) In polite euphemistic terms, a “woman of assignation” – pl. LAIDIES
RECEPTICON (n.) An usherette in a cinema currently showing one of the “Transformers” films
TINSELLITIS (n.) An annual disease, mainly afflicting the wallet region
TINSELLECTOMY (n.) The process of removing Christmas decorations
TRIPIDATION (n.) The feeling with which a critical decision is made by a football fan as to whether or not to travel to an away game when the result is vital to his team’s chances in the league
SECTION III – COMMON LATIN WORDS & PHRASES
AD NAUSEAM – A TV commercial which contains material likely to result in an ADMIRE (q.v.)
ANNUS HORRIBILIS – Haemorrhoids
ARS GRATIA ARTIS – Painting of a naked woman with an enormous backside
E PLURIBUS UNUM – You wait ages for one bus then two turn up
IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO – Complaint about perpetually unfilled potholes
IN LOCO PARENTIS – Family rail ticket
IN SITU – Illegally occupy a property, squat
NIL DESPERANDUM A football fan’s cynical pessimism of his team’s chances in the league after yet another goalless draw
NON COMPOS MENTIS – I forgot to buy fertiliser for the garden
NUNC DIMITTIS – My uncle is an idiot
PER ARDUA AD ASTRA – Level of car sales attributable to a particularly intense advertising campaign undertaken by Vauxhall
PER CAPITA – Tour through London
PERSONA NON GRATA – A very small person
POST MORTEM – Death threat received by letter
QUID PRO QUO (Lat.) Everything on sale in Poundland
QUO VADIS? – Are you going to the Status Quo concert?
SEMPER FIDELIS – Playing the violin continuously
SIC TRANSIT GLORIA MUNDI (Lat.) After a weekend of drunken roistering, Gloria threw up in my van on the way to work
Words on the Street 