12 | December | 2014 | Words on the Street

This is a (genuine) set of instructions that came with a wireless microphone manufactured in the Philippines, which I bought when I was running our local pub’s quizzes (the microphone, that is, not the Philippines). I can assure you that the typographical errors, innovative punctuation etc. have been faithfully reproduced and are not mine!

Here goes:-

“Thanks for purchasing this series of system. This system is reunoined by a Receiver and a handle microphone . Inoder to understanding the operating specification, please read the operating method carefully before use.

1, Operating Method

1) Adjust the amplifier system or Karaoke system availible to the minimun position . Connect with the signal output lines and insert A and B antennas , but pay attention to insert the correct position of the jacks , A to A and B to B according the following chart.And then connect with AC power , the red indicator goes on this time , In this case the receiver works normally.

2) Hole the microphone tightly with your left hand and unscrew the body counterclock wise according to the following chart shown , install a battery in to fit the right terminals , then turn it firmly . Set the switch to the ON position , the indicator doesn’ t go on, If the battery is low voltage , it dose , But the indicator on the receiver should shines in this period . If the green indicator shines , the proper indicator A on the receiver shines too . If the red one shines too , so does indicator B on the receiver , It shows that the system has been adjusted , it will be used . Adjust the volume you like when you speak to the speaskers to avoid a sharp voice conducted by them.

Note: Don’ t put a CD system or laser system together with the main unit to avoid them disturbing each other. If you want the radio sender in a good position,don ‘t tuch the net head of the microphone when you are singing“

Don’t worry, I didn’t (tuch the net head or sing)!

Someone reminded me about this the other day. One January, some years ago, we flew up to Manchester to visit my in-laws. This was an extremely effective exercise in time management, since the flight takes just 35 minutes. On the down side, it involved me getting up at 5.00am, which, as you will know for me, is the middle of the night. Everything was booked online, including the hire of a car from Mr Hertz, who just happens to prostitute himself on the British Airways website and we took advantage of this blatant commercialism. Before you ponder on this possible extravagance, the cost of a day’s hire of a Ford Fiesta was £35 and taxis to and from Manchester Airport would have been £45. I believe, in modern parlance, this is called a no-brainer.

When we arrived at Manchester, we duly reported to one of Mr Hertz’s lovely assistants who informed us that, sadly, they would have to change the hire car from a bright shiny used Ford Fiesta to a drab brand new top of the range Jaguar XJ loads-more-letters-of-the-alphabet 3.0 SE Automatic. We looked suitably irritated and, having completed the paperwork, sauntered nonchalantly – tutting disingenuously – towards the car park. When we were out of sight of the desk, we – well, shall I say politely, hastened.

Well, the last time I saw a dashboard like that was earlier in the day when the pilot had left the cockpit door open. We spent a good 20 minutes in the car park trying to work out what all the controls were for; I started the engine and the Instruction Manual explained that, before I could engage Drive, I had to depress the brake pedal. So I told it that George Galloway might win Celebrity Big Brother and it worked! Hurrah!

I pressed one of four buttons on the door which made my seat move forwards and I couldn’t get it to go back again. My wife found some knobs on the side of her seat and got out of the car to come round and fiddle with the ones on my side. Once my posture had ceased to resemble that of Quasimodo, I closed my door and started the engine. My wife then spent a few minutes banging on the passenger window as her door had locked itself and I didn’t know how to reverse the procedure. I eventually discovered this simply involved a slight pull on my door handle. Oh, I nearly forgot, it even had a heated steering wheel!

I would actually like one.